piecing together my broken life

Random Blitz - The One Place Left to Scream

2011-05-25T12:23:00.002+08:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-02-12T14:16:00.001+08:00

You know where to find this.

Yet, you don't know how to find this.

Sometimes, it's so dark here.

Why do I bother?

Blitz 488 - Road Not Taken

2010-01-16T02:52:00.002+08:00

Blitz 488 - Road Not Taken
Bed-time thoughts

Was lying in bed last night trying to sleep, and thinking about some things.

It seems that life is colourful and great and all when we're kids, youngsters, teens, and we watch all those shows where the couple gets to live happily ever after rich in love and romance, or the protagonist manage to achieve his childhood dream of *insert dream here*, while en route they come across all kinds of problems and hardships on the way but they always seem to pull through somehow, and everything turns out OK in the end.

Then, last night, I kinda thought of how different reality would be. It's fine to have dreams and everything; who hasn't fantasized about becoming The Next Big Thing, the one everyone's talking about, the one that the camera always zooms in on? Who hasn't thought about becoming a star, a hero, an idol? I bet everyone has. But going down that path is like walking a tightrope; it's so easy, so easy to fall off. And once you fall off, either you start over or you stay down there. It's easy to say, "Climb up and try again!" But when you actually do fall off, will you have the courage to try? Or will you rather choose an easier path?

From Robert Frost's Road Not Taken:

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

A poem of non-comformity, of beating your own path out of the bushes, of travelling the road few has walked on. But wait - few has walked on? Or just few has succeeded? There is a world of difference between the two.

And again, wait. Study the poem again, carefully, for the poet is not speaking of a tale of "daring to travel down a different path", but one of regret. He depicts how he had "kept the first step for another day", yet, with knowledge of how one path in life often leads to another, and then branches again and again, it would not be possible to find his way back, to actually make that first step down the road of his dreams.

And I wonder, how many of us will be just like the man in the poem, always telling ourselves "I'll succeed in life first, then go and try whatever I wanted to try"? Because that is ever the prudent path. It is human nature to fear the unknown, and why attempt to go down somewhere that few has managed to walk, when you can simply walk where everyone else has already done so, and set enough examples for you to follow? How much smarter would it be, to go out in society, earn enough cash to back you up, then go and try whatever it is you wanted to try?

But will it be too late, to turn back? Can you really, really become what you dreamed of becoming, after making your way in the world? After you seriously have earned enough money, respect, support to last you for your life, would you have earned enough for your parents? Your spouse? Your children? How about your children's children, and their children after that?

If our lives were truly our own, perhaps, more people might be willing to venture into the murky unknown. Maybe, if we didn't need to care about anything, we might want to try harder for the difficult things in life more. But such is not, usually, the case. There are always chains binding us down, and while we do not resent them, they cause our dreams and hopes to fade away, slowly, slowly, until we hit upon the logical reasoning that while we might want something, we can't achieve it, or that it would simply not be feasible to give up our adequate-paying jobs to search for something that we won't even know will repay us enough for the effort in the end.

It's sad, truly. All the more saddening when I know that, more than likely, I will end up just like this. So will you, perhaps. It's just... the smart thing to do. So now, while we harbor visions of us someday becoming the One we've been dreaming about since we were kids, we slowly take our steps down the road of conformity. We don't realize it, but we are.

Need an example? Sure. School started out as necessary. After all, we need our letters, and the ability to do basic arithmetic at least. But then as topics further branched from there, it slowly herds us towards the path everyone else has chosen. Why do we study Physics? Will the laws of thermodynamics help us in our everyday, day-to-day life? Will we look at a kettle and say, oh, this kettle is supplying xxxkJ of energy to the water to heat it up? How about Advanced Mathematics? Will we really look at an incoming car, and think about the theory of relativity as we jump to safety?

The reason is simple, being that we simply are going to look for a job in our chosen field. I bet you many of the workers out there had dreams about becoming famous, and now they're all just Worker A and Worker B in life's daily drama because of the courses they had studied in university, under job attachments, everywhere else. Will they leave their field of specialization one day, their comfort zone, quit their jobs and run off to American Idol to audition and try to become the Next American Idol, knowing they're competing with thousands of others and only 1 person will make it through? I doubt it. Risk a stable income for one you won't even know will succeed? How many would do that?

Would you? Considering it, I probably wouldn't. And that's enough reason for me to be sad about it.

I don't want to grow up, if it means I have to give up all these bright and shiny baubles labelled "Dreams" in my possession. But the months and years progress, and suddenly I look at the baubles and while they're still just as shiny, I hang them up to look at, mere decorations on the tree of my life, never to become the star at the top of the tree.

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

crys: Healed already, just call me as and when!

MABEL: Heys back. How're you doing? Let me know okay! I'm just a message away!

~Growing up is part and parcel of life ~ Is giving up my dreams part of that, too?~

Blitz 487 - Ow

2009-12-29T12:04:00.003+08:00

Blitz 487 - Ow
Mouth... pain....

Wow it's been so long since I last visited the dentist, I've forgotten what it felt like.

I'm being pushed to do braces, now of all times. I'm okay with or without, but my dad isn't, so I've been heading to a dentist in town to make one. Had one of my teeth extracted today, and it was a letdown, really.

Sat in the reclining chair and watched as the needle of anesthesia drifted closer... closer...

Weird, in my childhood memories the needle was a LOT bigger. o_O I guess human memories really are fickle after all. Anyway, needle went into mouth, and it stung a little at first but didn't hurt at all afterwards. Huh. Also another contradiction with my memories.

The dentist then proceeded to fiddle around with a particular victim in my mouth - my tooth in particular - and grabbed this metal instrument that looked like a monkey wrench, just smaller, gripped my tooth with it and began to attempt to do exactly what WE attempted to do with a monkey wrench in a BX; pulling and shaking and pulling and shaking in an attempt to get our "victim" out. No real pain, just pressure. It was out before I knew it.

The whole procedure was rather disappointing, really. I'd expected it to be a long, tedious process with lots of needles and other never-seen-before dental instruments, but no, there was just needles (well there was that at least) and a monkey wrench, and it only took about ten minutes. Hm.

My mouth's already gradually losing the numbness, but with it is coming the pain. My mouth's aching insanely, and it's not a pleasant experience. Hope it passes soon.

---------------------------------------------------

Suddenly
Ina

We make our pacts
We're independent
We dump our boyfriends
And we do our hair anyway we would like
We figure out, that we are attractive.

And we look around
And now we loved to live the single life
And then we tell ourselves we'll never fall in love again
But then he comes around and suddenly we understand
That we have never really been in love before

And suddenly I know what all the love songs that they write are all about
And suddenly I dont care if its right or wrong as long as he's around
And suddenly the things that used to sound cliche are perfectly right in your eyes
Perfectly right with this guy

I know its wierd
But we are connected
And in some strange and crazy way I think
That we have always been

And now he's here
And he says he loves me
And it feels so right
And in fact it feels so good that I can't sleep at night

But I just told myself I will not fall in love again
But he just came around and then he made me understand
That I have never really been in love before

And suddenly I know what all the love songs that they write are all about
And suddenly I dont care if its right or wrong as long as he's around
And suddenly the things that used to sound cliché are perfectly right in my eyes
Perfectly right when he's here

And yes
I know you might get impatient
But look around
He might be walking right in front of you

And if he touches you and you feel your skin is burning
Kisses you and you feel your stomach turning
He's the one
He is the one

And suddenly I know what all the love songs that they write are all about
And suddenly I don't care if its right or wrong as long as your baby's around
And suddenly the things that used to sound clishe are perfectly right in your ears
Perfectly right when he's there
Perfectly right when he's there
Perfectly right with this guy

Was listening to this on my iTouch so randomly decided to put it up. I've always found it weird, because the first chorus rhymes, but not the second and third; but if you used the first for the second and the second for the third it would. Hahas try and figure that out if you can!

~Forgetting to remember and remembering to forget are not the same, but both sides of one coin.~

Blitz 486 - Circle of Death

2009-12-20T17:27:00.002+08:00

Blitz 486 - Circle of Death
A head for liquor

Just got back from PPS chalet and I'm tired. Hahas. Can't say I really missed all of them, but I honestly did have fun. Since I arrived only in the evening all we did was play games in our chalet room and eat at the BBQ, which was actually quite sad because there was not enough food for everyone. Poor hungry people had to resort to asking Siyang to buy cup noodles for everyone, and he replied with abundance, buying EIGHTEEN cups! What the. LoL. But still it was very saddening to see people eating CUP NOODLES at a BBQ. Ouch!

Games in our room was largely limited to this silly game called Circle of Death, which will take FAR too long to explain, but involved a lot of drinking. A lot. Of course people cheated by taking sips when they should be taking mouthfuls, but still a lot of liquor was consumed. We ran out at around 1~2am, and had to send people to buy some beer to top up. People began falling asleep while waiting, and when it was time to wake people up... Needless to say, hilarity ensued. Hahah.

Of course a lot of indiscreet (AHEM!) things came out during our stay, but none of it will be disclosed here, because seriously too embarassing alr. Hahah. Fang Yi and Siyang's limbs must hurt a lot right?! LOL.

Lucky not many people got drunk, heck no one even came close. I was still stone-cold sober, albeit a little light on my feet, and everyone was red in the face (again Miss Leow ah) but no one approaching drunk when we ran out of alcohol. Nearing the end we were just spamming to finish everything anyway, too many people were too tired to go on for much longer.

Woke in the morning, I WOKE THE EARLIEST OKAY, 830AM, I just didn't get up. Really really really. Everyone was reeeaaaally reluctant to get up, but had to in the end. Went to Vivo to eat breakfast/lunch/brunch, or whatever you call it, then went home. I detoured to Candy Empire so they went on first. That pretty much wraps up everything.

The few hours spent in their company was fun, and though I didn't talk much I did spend a great deal of time laughing. It's kind of different with the Herd; I use my brain more with them, and I enjoy that too. I'm the more-thinking-less-talk kind of person anyway. With PPS, it's more... brainless, and fun. Jokes and laughter all around. Pretty cool way of de-stressing, and fun too.

Don't know when next one will be. I think a couple of years down the road again. Good luck to Li Yue who's flying next year, I know it's kind of early but JUST in case I forget kay!

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

mel: Hahas. You're very very welcome, don't ever doubt that okay.

crys: Wow chim. o_O

~I've walked a thousand times ~ And each time, a little bit better or worse, I never knew~

Blitz 485 - Regrets

2009-12-12T17:56:00.003+08:00

Blitz 485 - Regrets
Some days, you just...

Well. I guess first things do have a right to come first, so here goes.

ORD LO!

Collected my pink IC back from S1 branch yesterday and MAN I've missed it sitting comfortably in my wallet. Seemed like the whole world didn't want me and Zhen Wei to ORD, we ran into problem after problem, delay after delay, until we finally got our reward at the end of our 4 hr quest.

Thanks to everyone in Cheetah. For everything, everything.

Love you guys.

-------------------------------------------

Something I just can't understand in life is why there's so much unhappiness flowing around.

Why do people get into relationships, if all that's ever going to come out is tears shed and pain felt?

Why do people think about trying, when the fruit efforts bear are more bitter than sweet, sour than refreshing?

Why do people stand up, stand tall and walk straight, but anything that happens will just knock them down again?

Why do people befriend, trust one another, when at the end of the road is a parting of ways?

Why is it all these things have to exist?

I just never understood.

People are such complex beings. Minds, hearts, connecting, breaking, revolving, turning, gathering, shattering.

How come there's so much hate, pain, mistrust, suffering, sorrow, guilt, sadness, tears in this world?

L-ving another person only leads to pain. Yes? No? Who can actually answer that question?

Sigh.

Some days, I just wish I could fly.

Fly far, far away from all these thoughts and worries.

I've regretted a lot, since that day, that argument. Hell, many days, many arguments. But pride doesn't let me walk back. A foolish notion. But. Still.

There are a lot of "if-only"s in this world. A pity none of it ever comes true, huh.

The thoughts are just tumbling down now. A waterfall of them cascading down until it's truly flooded down there.

Everyone has their own sob story, and mine's piling, piling, in the dark, taking out the lantern shining underneath.

I envy their strength, sometimes. I never was strong, brave, clever. Just stupid. Too stupid to stop, too stupid to start, too stupid to do anything but watch.

Why can't I ever talk straight? Guess I'm all wired funny inside now. It's a mess, truly.

It's so... sad.

Sigh.

Ouch.

-------------------------------------------

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

mel: Hahas. Thank YOU, not I. For everything, too. =)

~I yearn to fly ~ Look at the sky, and watch the birds fly along~

Blitz 484 - Failing the Tests

2009-12-06T01:07:00.002+08:00

Blitz 484 - Failing the Tests
All of you fail

Are the questions too hard?

Is the theme too difficult?

Is it the tester, or the testees?

Is it you, or is it me?

I don't know.

I just don't know.

I guess that's just the way I am.

So that's another group of 'friends' gone.

Wow.

At this rate, I'll be pushing 'em all away.

One year odd, gone down the drain.

Who's next?

How about you?

----------------------------------------------------

Save You
Simple Plan

Take a breath, I pull myself together
Just another step until I reach the door
You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you

I wish that I could tell you something
To take it all away

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I won't give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know

When I hear your voice, it's drowning in a whisper
It's just skin and bones, there's nothing left to take
And no matter what I do I can't make you feel better

If only I could find the answer
To help me understand

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know

That if you fall, stumble down
I'll pick you up off the ground
If you lose faith in you
I'll give you strength to pull through
Tell me you won't give up cause I'll be waiting if you fall
You know I'll be there for you

If only I could find the answer
To take it all away

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know

I wish I could save you
I want you to know
I wish I could save you

I was in tears listening to this song. It just tears me up inside. If only...

But as I said before. Nothing ever does come out of the if only game.

Sigh.

----------------------------------------------------

No mood for Blitzes

~If you fall, stumble down, I'll pick you up off the ground ~

Blitz 483 - Why Must, Why Not

2009-11-26T19:13:00.002+08:00

Blitz 483 - Why Must, Why Not
Change the question

My father and I had a talk (or rather, he talked, and I listened) about the relations of life, and how we handle the day-to-day basis stuff.

Prior to this, I thought that my father was an extremely practical person, to the point of selfishness. Don't get me wrong; I have never thought once that my father is a bad person. But I used to think that what he does, is an effort to make friends through monetary means to get ties that might, one day, prove useful, not just because of the friendship.

Well, I wasn't wrong with the one-day-prove-useful bit, but I realized he's a deeper guy - much deeper - than I thought. His argument was that, in this life, no one ought to be "disliked" or "hated" or any other kind of negative thought. He has his values, you have yours; that's life. I agree with that. But we differ in that while I will develop a negative opinion of a person with a negative attitude, he totally will not; he will still embrace the guy, buy him a couple of curry puffs and call him friend.

I must say that he has an extraordinarily big heart, willing to forgive people for most of their mistakes and shortcoming; unless of course, the guy is holding a knife to your throat ready to kill you. (Yes, I asked.) I cannot say that I have inherited that from him; maybe with time, I will. I can only say that while I accept people's mistakes and shortcomings, I will still lose my patience eventually. In that, I suppose I am not a nice person.

Then he brought up stuff like him doing some extra things for people, or buying a little cake or some random tidbit for his staff to eat while working. This is what he said, albeit not verbatim:

When I pass by an Old Chang Kee, I'll perhaps call out "Hey, give me 20 curry puffs" to the shopkeeper, and bring it back to my staff to enjoy. Because when they enjoy, some of that joy spills over to me. Happiness is not about getting what you want, all the time; happiness is about helping people find their own joy. When they find themselves happy, you yourself become happier. When you go to a restaurant, you can't just eat from one dish that everyone has ordered, just because you don't like the rest of the dishes. The others will think you're antisocial, and gradually isolate you. In a conversation, you can't just talk about one topic and ignore the rest. Same thing.

When it comes to doing extra things for people, many people stop and ask themselves, "Why must I do this?" Instead of that, I ask myself, "Why not?" Why shouldn't I help them, if it helps them to be happy? As long as it doesn't push my limits, why not?

Not one friend can follow you forever. Even the best of best friends. So when your friends leave you, you need to find new friends, because then you will be able to fill your life everyday with something to do and be happy with. In the past 20 years, I have not had many days where I am not happy.

That's kind of the gist of it.

Really makes me think. Why must I? Why shouldn't I?

Hm.

~Why not?~

Blitz 482 - Leaving, Leaving

2009-11-21T22:04:00.002+08:00

Blitz 482 - Leaving, Leaving
Goodbye Cheetah

Was going to blog this yesterday but didn't really feel up to it.

I spent the entire of Friday morning packing up my bunk and all my stuff, there's so little stuff I brought home that it shocked me. My area was THE area in the bunk; not to say it was happening but too damn MESSY! Yet when stowed together it barely even filled my duffel and field pack at all. One of the mysteries of Cheetah Coy...

When I finally stacked helmet on field pack on duffel bag, I looked around my area. Cupboard was empty except some last minute stuff I'd need on Monday; area was clean (For ONCE! I'm proud of myself.) and everything looked so tidy. And empty.

When I was done I lifted my head and looked around the bunk. Different layout, yes, but what really stood out was the table. A month ago the table perpetually had the cleaning and eating tools on it. Now it was... empty. Devoid of anything except the freshly laid out plastic and mahjong paper underneath it.

No, this truly was not my bunk anymore.

Wanted to do my medical FFI but medical center was closed. What the hell. Went to find people to do my clearance but a lot of them were on off/leave/medical leave and what not. Damn it! At least I won't have to face RSM.

At the end of the day, I went down to the office and looked around for any last minute items I had left behind. Then I spotted my copy of Ship of Magic on the table. Picking it up, I looked at it for a while, then placed it into my bag.

It's odd. All the while packing my stuff, I didn't feel anything except a frustration for all the things I had to buy but never used at all (SOP box, FAD, etc etc) and was going to throw away. But removing that book from the office seemed so... permanent. That book had been there since months and months ago, and people were always complaining about it taking up space but reading it anyway. I must have read that at least five times when I was in the office with nothing better to do. It's been there so long, it just felt.. sad to take it away. Then looking around, I packed up and left.

Weird.

Well. On off/leave/public holiday for next week, then going back for another Monday before it's off/leave again. I've more or less said goodbye to everyone I need to say goodbye with, and packed up 99% of my stuff. I managed to not feel that sense of loss and separation, but then again, I felt that weeks ago already. My Cheetah Company no longer exists; it ceased to exist when everyone else ORD-ed ten days back.

I'm sad, but not as sad as I was when everyone first left the company. I guess nothing in this life really stays forever.

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

crys: Hahas you need English lessons!

mel: Yup. Managed to survive.. Yay! You take care, okay.

~No longer there~

Blitz 481 - Detached

2009-11-12T20:27:00.002+08:00

Blitz 481 - Detached
I don't belong here anymore

Blogging in the battalion's iNet room and it's weird. Like I'm trying to write a diary in a noisy room.

...Well I guess that's essentially what I'm trying to do. LoL.

Spent the entire day settling all the OVM and stuffs in the company, that's enough to give me a real headache already. And then there's the fact that everyone else has gone, leaving a few unfamiliar faces in their places. I only know a few people's names now.

It's a kind of sad, teary feeling, when I look around the bunk with its revamped look. But then I guess I'm glad the new specs revamped the place, because I don't think I could take it looking at the same bunk without the same... people, in it. That would just hurt too much.

Sigh.

One part of me just wants to forget everything, forever. Everywhere I go, I see all the changes made by the new specialists, and Gods I resent that. But then I'm also happy, because seeing the changes makes me really feel that the place is no longer the place I was once happy to be in. Helps me be more detached to everything.

Right now the days are dragging by. Minute after minute, hour after hour, and I'm just waiting to be rescued from it all tomorrow when I bookout, but even then's no respite because the guys will all be overseas then and I won't be able to do -anything- with them.

Seperate comes so soon, so quickly, and leaves me breathless in its wake.

Sigh.

I won't ever, ever get used to this feeling. I know I've said this before a lot of times. But I just never will feel that way.

Life sucks here in 46 SAR now. I'm spending all my time with Zhen Wei and my PCs, because they're the closest thing to friends I have right now, but I still really ache for all my company mates, yes even Ziqi and Chien Wei, for people to really talk and laugh and do whatever I can with. It's so... quiet now.

I'm retreating back into my white room again. This time, the paint's a little harder to whitewash over...

~Things are just so ~ Different~

2009-11-10T18:39:00.002+08:00

Whatever it is,

I hope everyone is okay,
And stop frowning so much.

Smiles suit a lot of people more.

Blitz 480 - Empty

2009-11-05T23:58:00.002+08:00

Blitz 480 - Empty
I don't think I'll ever get used to this

Just got back from my battalion's ORD function, and man I'm tired. I haven't laughed that hard in ages.

The evening was bittersweet because while the guys were doing all sorts of hilarious and embarassing things on stage, I kept having the thought that this would be the last time we did such silly and funny things together. This time was, really and truly, goodbye.

Well. At least we went out with a bang.

This battalion really owes us a lot, to the old specialists who have already ORD-ed and to those who are about to ORD (like me), because of everything we've done for them and everything else we've managed to achieve for them. If CO and RSM thinks we can be bought over by words and a golden letter-opener, they've got another thing coming. But if there's one thing I thank the battalion for, that's giving me the chance to make such great friends over the year I've been here.

I shook hands with everyone I thought worth it, and said goodbye to all those around me, but then again, I don't think I'll ever get used to the process called seperation.

Classic moment of the night: "S-Sometimes?" by Zhen Wei. That one word in the middle of the speech rocked.

--------------------------------------------------------

When You're Gone
Avril Lavigne

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd
Need you there when I cry

And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
Is made up on your side

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it okay
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you

And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it okay
I miss you

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it okay
I miss you

Okay not in the boy-girl sense, but this song just took on a whole lot of meaning for me. Sigh.

--------------------------------------------------------

To all the ORD-ing specialists, I might or might not send you a letter into your mailboxes, and you might or might not read this, but just wanna say that I'll really, really miss you when all of you are gone. Especially those who bunked in with me for over one year, thanks for putting up with all my eccentricities and less-than-tidy area. The bunk just won't be the same with all of you gone.

Thank you, and good luck to whatever the future may hold for all of you. I'll miss you guys!!

~I guess this is goodbye~

Random Blitz - Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days

2009-11-01T16:04:00.004+08:00

Random Blitz - Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days
A screwed up feeling

So I just finished this DS game, Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days. To anyone who's a fan of the KH series, this game is really a must-play. To those who own an NDS, but have never played the KH series, you can give this game a try too, although you will be at a loss to knowing what's going on and more importantly, who exactly is who.

After the game ended I was feeling entirely screwed up and sad, because the game's storyline was so beautifully sad that it should just be illegal. In a brief summary, the game's main character is Roxas, and he's in this Organization XIII where thirteen people are attempting to complete this thing called Kingdom Hearts so that they can gain hearts of their own. It's complicated really. And not surprisingly, Roxas is No. XIII.

Roxas befriends Axel, No. VIII in the Organization, and the newest addition, No. XIV, Xion. These three become fast friends and a lot of the game is spent on the sweet times they spend on the clock tower eating ice cream, where Roxas never fails to hang out with an ice cream stick in hand after every day's mission. But because of all the dark secrets surrounding Roxas and Xion, the three are inevitably torn apart, as is in a lot of games, but the seperation is so bitter and events unfold so terribly that you really feel for the three.

I felt especially sad looking at Axel, because of all the things he had to go through, when in the end all he probably wanted was the three of them to be together eating ice cream at the clock tower, just like Roxas and Xion. But he's forced to play the bad guy so many times, that my heart goes out to him.

I get sad just thinking about it. =(

From a fan's point of view, Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days answers a lot of questions that popped up in previous Kingdom Hearts games, and is one of the best highlights ever in the series. Won't say more on the subject, go play if you want to know. Been feeling totally screwed up because of the game, and needed an outlet somewhere. Hahas. Five on five stars, people.

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

mel: Yup... Thanks yeah. You too.

Angelays: Really? Hahas.. I'll take a look-see.

Pris: Hahas.. Okay. BUT only after your exams!

~Go on, you just keep running. But I'll always be there to bring you back!~

Random Blitz - More Colorgenics

2009-10-17T02:16:00.002+08:00

Random Blitz - More Colorgenics
This thing is imba

At this time you are really feeling quite exhausted by all the conflict and quarrelling that is going on about you and you are looking for some sort of protection from this state of affairs. Ideally you are seeking a peaceful condition and a tranquil environment in which you can be afforded the chance to relax and recover.

Which ever way you turn you feel that you are being utterly thwarted. There is considerable conflict in the air but you will stick to your beliefs and not be deterred in endeavouring to attain your objectives.

The way things are, you feel that you are stuck in a rut and there is not much you can do about it. You feel frustrated and inhibited but if you can find a way to let yourself go, you may find that things aren't quite so bad as perhaps you thought they were. One consolation is that since you are an extremely emotional individual, with the right person you may be able to release some of that frustration and tension with some mutual tender loving care.
For some time now your hopes and expectations have been denied and because of this you are becoming withdrawn and introverted. Continual disappointment has manifested itself in you becoming both suspicious and restrained you have become withdrawn from others and have receded more and more into yourself. You seem to have lost your innate enthusiasm and imaginative nature, for fear that you may be carried away by it only to find that you are wasting your time. You are loath to trust people, as in the past your trust has been misplaced. You seem to be keeping yourself cautiously aloof from others. At this moment in time your attitude is to trust nobody - until they can prove themselves to you.

You are moody and depressed at this time but it will pass. All of your hopes and dreams seem to have gone astray and you are fearful of planning further for the future. Disappointment at the non-fulfilment of your hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety and you try to escape from this by withdrawing into yourself. But that is not the answer. You have the power to succeed, believe in yourself... all is possible to him who believes.

What the hell. I'm loving this quiz more and more each time I take it.

~Blitzed off by Wakka02~

Blitz 479 - I Wonder?

2009-10-17T02:02:00.003+08:00

Blitz 479 - I Wonder?
Haven't done this for ages.

=(

In camp nowadays, that's my facial expression more often than not.

What exactly went wrong? What changed, since when have I been standing on the other side of everyone else, when we used to all band together and work on the same front?

Is this about ORD dates now? Is a month, really that different?

I should detach myself now, is that it? Save myself the pain? Is this why we can't agree on anything now?

Is ORD a reason to stop trying?

Damn it all.

No mood for Blitzes.

~Blitzed off by Wakka02~

Blitz 478 - Chivalry

2009-10-04T21:46:00.002+08:00

Blitz 478 - Chivalry
A dead thing?

Was reading the newspaper while brunch-ing today when I ran across an article in Lifestyle. Two reporters working for The Straits Times were quarreling in the middle of the street in various locations, escalating to the point where the man started to use unprovoked violence on the woman, in a bid to investigate how many Singaporeans would actually stand up for the woman and cease the violence.

The results were disappointing.

Many Singaporeans just breezed by the pair, albeit sending shocked, sneaking gazes at them. None stopped them, until a pair of Caucasians went up and stopped the man. When the man said "It's none of your business", one man said, "If you continue doing that it is my business." The pair then dropped the act, mission accomplished.

I wonder. Singaporeans strive so hard to keep a clean image in society, worry so much about face, reputation, etc. etc., and then comes this. Caring Singaporeans? Please. Get a grip.

Sometimes, I'm not very proud of my nationality.

-------------------------------------------------

Sometimes I don't know what to say to you anymore.

I wonder why I even try to talk to you again and again. It takes two hands to clap, so why am I the only one clapping? Sure, you get noise, but instead of applause it's just that... noise. What a mockery.

Maybe the only thing left... is how to say goodbye.

Sigh.

It just has to hurt this much.

-------------------------------------------------

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

Pris: Hahas.. Long outdated alr. But good luck for mid terms all the same!

Jeremyyy: No... Battalion Proficiency Test next. Ew. Two more!!

~Maybe it's better if I just.. let it fall apart.~

Blitz 477 - Little, Little Fragments

2009-09-18T22:43:00.002+08:00

Blitz 477 - Little, Little Fragments
Everything's just breaking apart

Seems like my life has shattered and the picture I'm building out of the pieces is totally different from the one I used to have. Gone's the old life, old ties, old temperaments even. I'm like a totally changed person with a short fuse and an acid humour. Weird out.

The days have been crazy enough on the commanders, lazy enough for the men. The following days will be worse, but I'll worry about it when the days come.

...Who am I kidding? I'm worrying about it NOW!

Damn. Army life sucks. Demote me please.

-------------------------------------------------------

I haven't been able to get all the satisfaction out of singing anymore. It's like I'm mouthing and giving melody to words out of habit, and habits die hard. My songs are just lyric and melody blended together. I've lost all the... emotion in it. I think ever since I canned them all away, I've become a husk that just operates on what I'm told to do and what I'm supposed to do. I don't feel... much anymore.

Once or twice, just occasionally, I open the can and let them flow, and then I can sing songs then really bring tears to my eyes. Some times...

Well.

Since you don't seem to care anymore, anyway...

-------------------------------------------------------

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

mel: Hahas... Okay. Will do. You too!

Jeremyyy: LIFE SUCKS HERE! SAVE ME!

Stella: Thanks ya..

Sammy: Hey.

~No one opening the can~

Blitz 476 - Songs

2009-08-30T01:08:00.003+08:00

Blitz 476 - Songs
All there is lately

Yo. How long's it been since I was last here posting? Ten days? Fifteen?

Okay just checked. Twenty days. Hm.

There hasn't been much to talk about. What I feel and what I think are so convoluted and twisted I don't know how to express them into words. Why is it that I can think up such strange warped thoughts, yet not know how to speak them out loud?

Gonna post a couple of songs here. Seems like that's all there is lately. Songs, to express how I feel. Truly, music is such a wondrous thing.

-------------------------------------------------------

Here's the first song. This is dedicated to the thought of someone, or several someone's in my life. On and off, on and off, on and off. If only I could just say goodbye like the end of this song.

街角的祝福
戴佩妮

多少个秋多少个冬
我几乎快要被治愈好
但还是会只因为一个重覆的话题
就无心自扰

也曾想过若真遇见
我们应该如何是好
我想我还是会站在某一个街角
不让你看到

只因为我不想打扰
只因为怕你解释不了
只因为现在你的眼睛里
她比我还重要

我只好假装我看不到
看不到你和她在对街拥抱
你的快乐我可以感受得到
这样的见面方式对谁都好

我只好假装我听不到
听不到别人口中的她好不好
再不想问也不想被通知到
反正你的世界我管不了

只因为我不想打扰
只因为怕你解释不了
只因为现在你的眼睛里
她比我还重要

我只好假装我看不到
看不到你和她在对街拥抱
你的快乐我可以感受得到
这样的见面方式对谁都好

我只好假装我听不到
听不到别人口中的她好不好
再不想问也不想被通知到
反正你的世界我管不了

若不想问若不想被通知到
就把祝福留在街角

Beautifully written.

-------------------------------------------------------

Second song is one I've posted up before, expressing a particular thought I have that occured to me the past month or so. It's caused me no end of stress and frustration, yet I have to try.

Sometimes I wonder why.

Take Me Away
Avril Lavigne

I cannot find a way to describe it
It's there inside; all I do is hide

I wish that it would just go away
What would you do, you do, if you knew
What would you do

All the pain I thought I knew
All the thoughts lead back to you
Back to what was never said
Back and forth inside my head
I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable; come and take me away

I feel like I am all alone
All by myself I need to get around this
My words are cold, I don't want them to hurt you
If I show you, I don't think you'd understand
Cause no one understands

All the pain I thought I knew
All the thoughts lead back to you
Back to what was never said
Back and forth inside my head
I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable; come and take me away

I'm going nowhere
(on and on and)
I'm getting nowhere
(on and on and on)
Take me away
I'm going nowhere
(on and off and off and on)
(and off and on)

All the pain I thought I knew
All the thoughts lead back to you
Back to what was never said
Back and forth inside my head
I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable; come and take me away

Take me away
Break me away
Take me away

Frustration and anger and... and all I can do is just sigh.

Why?

-------------------------------------------------------

That's all. Sometimes the undercurrent of my thoughts are so swift, I get swept away.

Oh, well.

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

mel: Sorry ya. Was in a really really foul mood that day. Oops. Don't take it to heart k.

jw: Hahs. Thanks ya. I'll try.

~Give me a reason~

Random Blitz - Colorgenics... Again

2009-08-10T19:44:00.003+08:00

Random Blitz - Colorgenics... Again
What the-?

Is it that you are working - or even playing - too hard? Because it would seem that you are experiencing a great deal of pent-up emotion at this time which could possibly take effect and lead to irrational behaviour.

You seem to lack the energy of late to get up and go. Your objectives appear to be unattainable and no one seems to care. You feel lost, neglected and need some W.T.C. (Warm tender care).

It is amazing that you yourself believe that old 'adage' that you are a misunderstood person - and you feel that because of this you are being left out in the cold. It is because of this lack of believed understanding that you feel the need to conform to society in general - but this situation leaves you 'cold' knowing that you are not appreciated for your true self. Any relationship that you are developing at this time does not seem to involve any true emotional commitment, you seem to be just playing along.

For some time now your hopes and expectations have been denied and because of this you are becoming withdrawn and introverted. Continual disappointment has manifested itself in you becoming both suspicious and restrained you have become withdrawn from others and have receded more and more into yourself. You seem to have lost your innate enthusiasm and imaginative nature, for fear that you may be carried away by it only to find that you are wasting your time. You are loath to trust people, as in the past your trust has been misplaced. You seem to be keeping yourself cautiously aloof from others. At this moment in time your attitude is to trust nobody - until they can prove themselves to you.

At this time you don't particularly like yourself. Everything that you have tried to do seems to have gone wrong. This makes you feel that there is no point in trying to start again. Apart from being stressed and tense, you are angry with yourself and have unadmitted self-contempt. Your refusal to admit that you and you alone is the basic cause of your problems leads to you adopting a headstrong and defiant attitude. If you take stock of yourself, smile a little and let go, everything will turn out OK. Have you not heard of the cliche 'smile and the world smiles with you - cry and you cry alone!'?

--------------------------------------------------

What is this, MIND-READING??? o_O

~Blitzed off by Wakka02~

Blitz 475 - All I Ever Wanted

2009-08-10T00:34:00.002+08:00

Blitz 475 - All I Ever Wanted
If this pisses you off, too bad.

How, why is it so difficult to just use your ears, and not talk?

I'm just a sorrow-deposit bin for everything, everything goes in, nothing comes out, is that it?

I am so goddamnably tired of being that.

And people wonder why I keep to myself these days.

Damn it. Think about how you've treated me and then come and ask me that question.

Everytime I say something everyone goes "Oh yeah that happens to me too." And then off we go on their own not-so-happy memory lane and when they finish their story they come back with a "So how exactly are you? You haven't answered me."

Every single god damn person I meet.

If that's your idea of concern, then keep it. If you wish to use me just as a rubbish bin for all your tiny little thoughts go right ahead. I'm totally all right with that. Just stop faking the concern and get right to the point. You want to talk about yourself, freaking go with it. Don't make me go through all the drivel about how I am and all that when you know you don't want answers.

How is it so f-ing hard?

I just don't get it.

~Stop giving me that crap.~

Blitz 474 - Public Enemy No. 1

2009-08-08T14:45:00.003+08:00

Blitz 474 - Public Enemy No. 1
Don't work when you're desperate, and don't work with people who are desperate

Watched Public Enemies a couple of weeks back with Kim. On the surface the show was just any other show with not much to tell except yet another love story, but if you look deep enough into it it really describes how complacent society can be even when someone - or something - huge is happening and yet, people never think that it would ever happen to them.

How maddening.

Johnny Depp as John Dillinger was amazing. He was born to roles such as those, no doubt, and he really deserved his huge break as Jack Sparrow back in Pirates of the Carribbean. I don't think anyone could have acted either John or Jack as well as he did. He always did have a flair for eccentricity.

As a robber, John Dillinger was not extremely intelligent. Neither was he especially cunning. He was an opportunist, a very good one at that, because he knew exactly how to take advantage of society's idiocy. He was also extremely daring, but not without calculating the risks involved. If not for the sheer luck of the police, they would never have caught him that first time.

I admire the man. He robbed for his own wealth and power and influence, but for anything else he was a man to the bone. He took naught from people, and killed only when he had to, and even then never civilians. If I had been Billy, the woman he loved, I would have felt extremely safe with him.

The police was incompetent to the point of stupidity, with the one exception of the Chief-of-Dillinger Squad Melvin Purvis. He alone could have stood against John Dillinger, and would have done it a long long time ago if not for the total uselessness of his police squad. One interesting exchange, when Dillinger was in his jail cell (NOT verbatim, but the gist is there):

JD: Have you ever thought of the people you've killed, Mr. Purvis? Just before they go, they look at you, look at you like it's the only thing they can see... And then they just... go. Kept you awake some nights, hasn't it?

MP: ...So what keeps you awake at night, Mr. Dillinger?

JD: ...Coffee.

A seemingly harmless exchange but the interesting pauses in between tells us a lot about the two people. You just have to read between the lines.

Overall it's a very good movie to watch. I don't have much else to say about the show, and at the end I was... speechless, in a good way. It well deserves its rating of 4 out of 5 stars.

Wakka02's rating: 4 out of 5 stars (Go watch it, it's good.)

-------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes I wonder if the bonds I keep are worth the effort keeping them.

Sometimes I wonder why I friggin' try at all.

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

Stella: Hahas. I hope they will be for you ya.

crys: No? Your blog posts are super long you know. LoL.

Pris: Hahah not the same can!

~I wonder how, I wonder why, I wonder where they are~

2009-08-02T18:09:00.000+08:00

Because, there really is nothing left to say.

Yup.

Blitz 473 - Hiatus

2009-07-19T10:40:00.004+08:00

Blitz 473 - Hiatus
Wow!

It's been oh-so-long since I last blogged here lahs. Hahas. Not that I purposely stayed away but there really was NOTHING TO BLOG ABOUT HERE! My life has mostly been army army and more army, and since the guys would probably be heartily sick of army life and the girls would have totally no clue what I'm talking about, there's no point putting it all up. Hell, I'm sick of army life, why wouldn't you be?

I need to get a life so I can hurry up and blog back here. LoLs.

----------------------------------------------------

I just checked the date on my last post and it's already been 1 month and 1 day since the last one. Wow. Time really flies. I still remember that, when I'd first started this blog, I felt a compulsive urge to blog every day about everything and every thought that happened in my daily life. If I didn't blog at least once a day I'd feel totally out of sync. I even resorted to buying a Symbian phone just so that I could blog using the school's wireless. Those were the days man.

Now I go for a whole month without blogging and I hardly notice it. Truth be told this post is going to end pretty soon because I still don't have anything to blog about. Just thought it would be nice to put a post up here for the sake of posting. Hopefully, when I ORD, I'll have more of a life to talk about, huh?

Well then. Time to go on another long break. Gods I need a life!

----------------------------------------------------

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

mel: Hahas. And here's a belated thank you!

Jeremyyy: Yeah they're really good. Love the lyrics!

Pris: ...No thanks. LOL.

Angelays: Hahas I haven't been to yours much either. LoL.

Stella: Hahas. Thanks yeah. =)

~I just want to be able to say ~ That everything will be okay~

Blitz 472 - Energy

2009-06-18T18:54:00.002+08:00

Blitz 472 - Energy
Need da life

Was reading some other blogs and felt that my blog, lately (in fact, ever since it started!) needed a lot more life and energy in it. I don't want to read this a few years later and think that my teenage life was all about emo-ing!

---------------------------------------------

So I turned 19 and 12 months old last Wednesday, June 10th 2009. I said, 19 and 12 months, not 20! I'm still young, alright? Alot of people wished me happy birthday, which was quite gratifying but also made me feel old at the same time, hahas. But I had one of the most exciting birthdays ever, because on June 10th I was sadly in the guardhouse of Sungei Gedong camp doing guard duty. Sucks to be me. And something else happened while I was on guard duty which I don't think I'm supposed to reveal in public that made the entire following morning an emotional roller coaster for me, which was useful as a wake-up-don't-sleep call and a jump on the adrenaline meter but not much else. Message me if you want to know what. Camp security and all that shit. Urgh.

Anyway, it doesn't feel much different from being 20 (Fine I'll admit it. Bleah.) and 19. Same old job, same old people, same old everything. Guess time really doesn't move when you're in army, and then when you ORD at last suddenly everything seems new and different, like being released from a long-term jail imprisonment. At least, that's what my PC tells me. I wouldn't know, I haven't ORD-ed yet. Looking forward to that, like really really forward.

---------------------------------------------

Had a talk-out with a close friend of mine, was pretty hard for me to say all that stuff because usually I don't talk about it much, and I can't say we solved anything but at least we're talking again. I think. Don't know how long it'll last though.

That said, I don't really have much to talk about now, just wanted to blog because I'm just way too bored and have nothing much else to do. Thought I'd blog a little about the event mentioned above but just remembered that it might be a tad illegal. So yeah.

Time to go then. Will come back if there's anything else to update.

Man my life is boring.

---------------------------------------------

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

Pris: Hahas not exactly hiatus lahs. Just nothing much to talk about so won't blog as often. LoL.

mel: Hahas here's a belated thank you then. =P

Jeremyyy: Yeah I like her songs too! Although her MVs aren't very nice. LoL.

~Sorting my life's order back out~

Blitz 471 - Last or No?

2009-06-05T22:11:00.002+08:00

Blitz 471 - Last or No?
I dunno

Hmmm I didn't really mean it that way when I posted that last post earlier but I guess it just came out as like I didn't wanna blog anymore. Then I look back abit and get to thinking that perhaps that would be the best thing for me to do now because I don't have much of a life to speak of anyway, and all my thoughts that are worth posting are evidently not worth reading about.

I don't think I'll update as often nowadays, certainly not every week, or maybe even in a fortnight, if I don't have anything to update about in the first place. No point, if I just wanted a diary for my own to read. I have another URL for that. I was getting kinda tired of having to hide all the texts anyway. Now I won't have to hide anything anymore. Kind of a relief, if you know what I'm saying.

----------------------------------------------------

You're Not Sorry
Taylor Swift

All this time I was wasting
Hoping you would come around
I've been giving out chances every time
And all you do is let me down

And it's taking me this long
Baby but I figured you out
And you're thinking we'll be fine again,
But not this time around

You don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you're sorry but I don't believe you baby like I did
Before
You're not sorry, no no oh

Looking so innocent,
I might believe you if I didn't know
Could've loved you all my life
If you hadn't left me waiting in the cold

And you got your share of secrets
And I'm tired of being last to know
And now you're asking me to listen
Cause it's worked each time before

You don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you're sorry but I don't believe you baby like I did
Before
You're not sorry, no no oh
You're not sorry no no oh

You had me crawling for you honey
And it never would've gone away, no
You used to shine so bright
But I watched all of it fade

You don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There's nothing left to beg for
And you can tell me that you're sorry but I don't believe you baby like I did
Before
You're not sorry, no no oh
You're not sorry, no no oh...

I've been hooked on Taylor Swift songs lately, gotta love the lyrics. Love this one and Teardrops on My Guitar, the latter is pretty popular while this one is no lightweight on the Top Hits charts either. This means a lot to me, really. It's amazing how songwriters write. You can interpret anything any way you want to, as long as it fits.

Coolness.

----------------------------------------------------

So time to go on hiatus then. Until next time, whenever that may be ya.

Blitz to your Blitz:

crys: Diao. You probably just pressed Enter for too long.

~None of you are~

2009-05-31T20:36:00.001+08:00

I'm too tired to blog anymore. LoL.

Bye people.

Blitz 470 - Sighhhhhhh

2009-05-22T23:26:00.002+08:00

Blitz 470 - Sighhhhhhh
I didn't want to say bye

SIGH!

Once I read somewhere that sighing can actually help a bit. It's kind of true I guess. When you really feel a lot crushing you just take a deep breath and sigh it out. It feels like a weight off your chest, seriously. Though, this only happened to me once, when I unconsciously did a sigh. It felt great, even though I never managed to replicate that sensation again though. Oh well. Doesn't hurt to try, does it? Except a few more pockets of air?

SIGH!

----------------------------------------------------

Today and yesterday were really... crazy days. I haven't had such insane days ever since my days in SISPEC, and yesterday was even worse than nearly anything I had in SISPEC other than the 28 km route march.

Went for this 8km run yesterday in the morning, that's the furthest I'd ever tried to run ever. There's more to come next week, with a 10km run. but next week will have to settle itself next week. I was really trying hard to finish it but I still came in last. So much for stamina.

If it was just an 8km run I wouldn't have minded so much, because after all it's only for an hour. But then in the afternoon we started our NAV EX exercise which lasted well into the night, about 10+ to 11 PM. Back to back, with about an hour of break in between. Or rather, "break". We spent it preparing the map, working on coordinates, changing layouts on our vests and so on. I shall not complain about my superiors here so I shall keep all the thoughts to myself.

Anyway. The walk through the forests were crazy enough to take their toll on me, and the rest of the commanders as well. Especially at night, when it got impossible to see and the cylum sticks on each other's backs blinding us from the front didn't help much either.

Well. Somehow or another I made it past that crazy day, and transited on to today, which wasn't as nuts but given that I woke with cramps in my legs it wasn't exactly a walk in the park either. Suffice to say that the past two days were hellish enough to remind me of SISPEC trainings.

Urgh.

----------------------------------------------------

I like my bunk a lot. Really, really a lot. I'm going to be sad when all of them ORD in five month's time, leaving me all alone with the new specs to talk to. I will miss Wilson, Timothy, Jian Wen, Joo Siong, Bingqian. I've never felt more at home with a bunch of people and I can laugh and smile freely with all of them. Their sense of humour is genuinely funny, while we laugh and poke fun of each other and we know it's all in the name of fun and there's nothing meant by it.

Today Wilson came through the door wearing his SAF utility bag singing, "你的背包~背到现在还不烂~“, then turned around gesturing, "因为是 SAF 做的!" I don't know, something about that scene just made us burst into laughter. It was really amusing.

It's sad how we leave each other all the time. I'll have to cherish the remaining five months together with them, and be content with it, because that's all I'm going to get.

Memories, not regrets, huh.

----------------------------------------------------

I never wanted to say goodbye.

I still don't want to say goodbye.

But silence speaks louder than words.

----------------------------------------------------

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

~hinho~: And the guy who built the place should be awarded some too!

crys: Hahas thanks. I hope so too.

~I'm just a kid~

Random Blitz - Getting It Out of Your Mind

2009-05-19T02:49:00.003+08:00

Random Blitz - Getting It Out of Your Mind
So that's how you do it

It seems like letting go of something is as simple as releasing your grip to take hold of something else. Or maybe I just have a single track mind.

Nah. Don't think so.

Out with the worse, and in with the bad.

~Blitzed off by Wakka02~

Blitz 469 - You Must Be Joking

2009-05-16T12:03:00.002+08:00

Blitz 469 - You Must Be Joking
All I wanted was

Was reading the newspapers today when I came across this extremely interesting - not to mention tickling - article in the Life! section of today's paper. It's titled "Why I deserve the $1-million reward". I don't THINK this guy was serious, but it was entertaining anyway.

Basically this reporter (yes, he was a reporter) was going on about how he deserved to earn the million dollar reward for the capture of Mas Selamat, that terrorist that every NS man hates and the media kept going on about. His argument revolved around chaos theory of all things.

From Wikipedia, "In mathematics, chaos theory describes the behavior of certain dynamical systems – that is, systems whose states evolve with time – that may exhibit dynamics that are highly sensitive to initial conditions (popularly referred to as the butterfly effect). As a result of this sensitivity, which manifests itself as an exponential growth of perturbations in the initial conditions, the behavior of chaotic systems appears to be random." In case you didn't get that, in layman's terms, chaos theory simply shows that small insignificant events could have huge and unexpected consequences or results.

As quoted from The Straits Times:

"This is probably what happened.

On Thursday February 19, I was invited to go indoor rock climbing after work. Normally, I would just laugh at such a ridiculour suggestion. I am not designed to climb any more than a rhinocerous is designed to tap dance.

However, for some reason, possibly brain damage, I accepted the invitation, oblivious to its repercussions on regional terrorism.

For those who are unfamiliar with indoor rock climbing, let me tell you that it involves a whole bunch of sweaty poeple in a small enclosed space wearing shoes without socks. In short, the place smells like an armpit."

Okay, sounds good so far. Now his snowball starts to roll.

"The upshot of all this is that I was feeling particularly stinky when I got home. This naturally lead to a shower that lasted five minutes longer than normal.

The combination of the prolonged shower and a washing machine that was dealing with my stinky clothes ultimately proved too much for my ageing floor. My neighbour below, noticing that it now rained in his flat whenever I took a shower, lodged a complain with HDB.

This triggered a need for new water-proofing. An appointment was fixed with a contractor who calmly informed me they would need a week to fix my toilets and also completely cover all my belongings in a fine grey dust.

This prompted me to move out for the said week, which led to the workmen having full axxess to my newspaper subscriptions for the said period.

As it turns out, this period coincided with the one-year anniversary of Mas Selamat's escape, which is the sort of anniversary we like to commemorate in journalism."

Here comes the LOL part.

"This reminded one workman of the terror suspect and he casually mentioned it during a call to his girlfriend in Johor because he had run out of things to say but did not want to be accused of not wanting to talk to her.

The sudden change of topic shocked the girlfriend, who happened to be making sambal goreng. She got distracted and burnt the belacan, causing it to release a most pungent stench."

And now the grand finale:

"The smell woke up her cat, which then proceeded to chanse two butterflies, which then flew into Mas Selamat's house and landed on his punching bag.

This threw him off the balance slightly, causing him (or one of his bittergourds) to lose his rhythm and accidentally knock the bag against a small lucky charm, which fell to the floor and broke.

The charm, as it turns out, was the source of a poweful spell that made him difficult to detect. Without the protection, the terrorist could be found.

Well, that is how I think it went down. I hope you agree. I look forward to your cheque."

Four words:

YOU MUST BE JOKING!

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*Note: The above words in quotations are purely from The Straits Times, by reporter Jeremy Au Yong. None of it was written by me.

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I guess there's nothing left to say.

You've sure shown evidence of that.

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Blitz to your Blitz:

Pris: LoL isn't every post a blitz? It does start with Blitz ---, you know. Whether you all blitz back or not, it's your choice I guess. Hm. Yeah I'm on off this week. Till Wednesday.

~Just a bit of feelings left over~

Blitz 468 - Empty

2009-05-08T22:09:00.002+08:00

Blitz 468 - Empty
A white room with white walls

Okay this post might be a little confusing so I'll start with the non-confusing stuff first.

This week has been nothing but a week of doing-nothings. Okay this might incur the wrath of some people such as Xin Chu and Howard (LoL) but hey it is the truth. Anyway I fear I've made quite a few people unhappy with my inactiveness but I really must say it isn't my fault for a lack of trying. I've had next-to-nothing to do with very few others passed down to me and me waiting around the office seems to get all sorts of unimportant and weird jobs attached to me, so I'm hardly around most of the time. Is that really my fault?

Oh well.

Not to say I didn't do anything for the entire week. I took the platoon, I went on runs, I neutral-ed for IPPT and everything. The most noticeable thing I did was probably the Battalion Skills-At-Arms trials I took part in on Thursday, which I came in a narrow second in my company. I lost to Joo Siong, with his team of don't-know-what-came-over-them men who evidently went into some kind of frenzy when the timing began and broke the track in 5:30, assembling in an awesome timing of 25:21. If you think that's a lot of time, you ought to try it sometime, then come back and tell me that's a lot of time.

Well Joo Siong's team got mine all fired up and ready to work, but sadly we lost to them with a breaking track of 8:30 and an assembling of 25:34. Again, it wasn't really our fault, but there were so many equipment faults and blind errors that we really shouldn't have lost. Although, we'll still both be competing on the battalion level. Not that there's much of a fight. Third in the battalion so far took some forty-odd minutes to assemble and over ten to break. So in the end it'll be between the two of us, I guess, and both of us are from Cheetah, so does it really matter?

Although I must say, I don't really look forward to breaking and assembling the damn track over again. It's hell of a job to do it.

Oh, well.

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So I managed to find back my white and empty room. It feels good to be empty again. Devoid of all the red haze of pain, the blue-tinged mist of tears and the shadowy black of desolation. Sure it's rid of all the other colours, like the bright green of joy, the pale blue of peace and bright gold of noise, but it's better this way. Somewhat.

I found out why I couldn't get my little private room back to its original white. There were just too many other colours in it. That lively green, that laughing pink, that melancholy blue, that troubled yellow. I concentrated on all those colours, but they all slipped away and left a paint stain on the walls, the glaringly white walls that resounded silence, leaving behind echoes and whispers. Sometimes that's worse than noise.

After a fierce white-washing of everything, I think I'll start all over again. Again, by locking the door.

To you who knew me best. I'm sorry, but you'll no longer find anything there.

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No Blitzes to no Blitzes

~It's all about getting used to the silence~

Blitz 467 - Can't Stop

2009-05-03T02:51:00.002+08:00

Blitz 467 - Can't Stop
In the end, it's just me.

Went to watch X-Men Origins: Wolverine today. The show wasn't too bad, albeit being a little too obvious about the tearjerker scenes.

It always seemed to be night time in the movie, which is what suits an X-Men film anyway. In my opinion, X-Men = night. I don't know why, but the connection just seemed to be there. It was deliciously dark, not too overdone, and the ending tone was pretty well-done overall.

Action wise the show wasn't too bad, although the fight scenes were all a bit too short except for the last one, which lasted for the better part of fifteen minutes with just the right amount of talking - not too much but enough to be acknowledged. But the way the guy died was a little disappointing. To quote Howard, "That's what you get for using too much eye power (in army terms, sitting by doing nothing but watching)". Too true. LoL. Although, some of the fights were pretty much irrational. Why would Logan want to climb all the way up there anyway? And I still think the katanas would have been better off as they were.

Didn't get any of that? Don't worry. Watch the show and you will. LoL.

All in all, X-Men Origins: Wolverine wasn't too bad a movie, worth watching if nothing else. Even for non-die-hard fans of X-Men, it doesn't take much of a fanatic to know a few of the characters that will star in the movie, even though the camera was mostly focused around Logan as Wolverine and to a smaller extent Victor, future-to-be-known-as Sabretooth. There's a bit of a discrepancy between the actual X-Men tale and this movie, but if you're willing to overlook that it's a good enough watch.

Wakka02's rating: 3.5 stars of 5 (Not too bad)

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Take Me Away
Avril Lavigne

I cannot find a way to describe it
It's there inside; all I do is hide
I wish that it would just go away
What would you do, you do, if you knew
What would you do

All the pain I thought I knew
All the thoughts lead back to you
Back to what was never said
Back and forth inside my head
I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable;
Come and take me away

I feel like I am all alone
All by myself I need to get around this
My words are cold, I don't want them to hurt you
If I show you, I don't think you'd understand
Cause no one understands

All the pain I thought I knew
All the thoughts lead back to you
Back to what was never said
Back and forth inside my head
I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable;
Come and take me away

I'm going nowhere (on and on and)
I'm getting nowhere (on and on and on)
Take me away
I'm going nowhere (on and off and off and on)
(and off and on)

All the pain I thought I knew
All the thoughts lead back to you
Back to what was never said
Back and forth inside my head
I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable;
Come and take me away

Take me away
Take me away
Take me away

Super emo song I found lately. Hahas. Thought I'd post it here for the hell of it.

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Blitzes to your Blitzes:

crys: I saw you fly though. Hahas. And landed on your stomach.

Pris: I wanted to know that too. Why crys?

~So much for my happy ending~

Blitz 466 - Wet

2009-04-26T14:18:00.002+08:00

Blitz 466 - Wet
There's a lot more being said in the undercurrent

I'm feeling. Hm.

It's raining outside now. Thundering, storming. If I could, I'd be the same. If I could, huh?

Oh well.

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Went ice-skating yesterday with the usual people. Met first at Kallang MRT to go to Kallang Leisure Mall (mainly because I didn't know how to get there. LoL.), where we ate at some Japanese restaurant which I totally can't remember the name of. LoL. Feel kinda bad about it because Xin Chu paid for the meal, because of his newly gained $200 from his IPPT gold. He's been so proud of it. But the amount totalled to over ninety dollars, which was half his earnings gone right off the bat. Oops.

Walked around aimlessly for an hour or so, during which we went over to the arcade and wasted eight dollars in all before heading into the skating rink. Well. It was fun, I guess. Most of the time was spent colliding into each other at the side of the rink, all in the name of good and honest fun. Then Chris got smashed into by Xin Chu while I was holding on to him and for some reason I was the one who fell, cutting my lip in the process. Dots.

Other than that incident, it was more or less a fun day, because of all the "targetting" and racing and horseplay we had in the rink despite the next accident that happened to Chris which involved him flying and landing belly first on the ice. Ouch!

The day would have been much more enjoyable though, if I could not have sustained so many injuries from the damn skates. Why can't the cushion the stupid things more? I got cut again in the exact same place and style, which no less than three blisters on both feet. But given the choice, I'd go skating with them again, except next time I'll be smart enough to place a plaster to avoid the cut beforehand.

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Blitzes to your Blitzes:

Stella: Hahas I always change the URL when I change blogskin. At least I re-linked it. And well. I guess you did. Oh, well. Hahas.

hz: Hahas really? I like it too. =)

roy: You didn't tell me THAT!

MABEL: Yeah, I haven't heard from you for very long either... Sorry for not keeping in touch! =(

mel: Hahas it's confusing to read!

xC: LoL what's so surprising? She always does that. Hahahs.

~Wordless silence~

Blitz 465 - Leaving Myself Alone

2009-04-18T21:38:00.003+08:00

Blitz 465 - Leaving Myself Alone
Isolation ward

There's a lot that's been going around and through my mind lately. Circling, circling, circling, like a raven as it eyes its prey, waiting for death so that it can feast.

Wow. That's a bleak thought.

And becoming more close-mouthed about it too.

Or maybe that's just a lack of something. I dunno.

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To state the obvious, I've changed my blogskin. Big surprise there huh. Guess not. You probably got the big surprise when you first entered the blog and not when reading these few words.

Simply put, I got tired of the status quo. Or rather, the status quo didn't suit me at all. I'm not wakening to rain anymore, just being chilled by the downpour. I didn't want to put this blogskin up because of possible messages it might send, so now that I really have placed it up, I wanna say that there's no message intended for any specific one of you. I have my own reasons for the change and it's not wholly meant to shoot arrows at anybody.

And that's all I have to say on that subject, other than I like this skin pretty much as of now. If you like it, then good, if not, then that's too bad.

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Pris: Hahs all right. Soon soon I guess. Hm. You're the first person to say it's un-emo. Like wow. o_O

crys: ... I'll ignore that line... It was really out of place, to be honest... Thanks anyway ya.

mel: Heys. It's okay, really. Haven't been really up and about visiting blogs myself either. Isn't the point of a blog to let people read it...?

kiM: Hahs. Yes yes you win. When have you not? Hahas..

~Give not the thought words and form, but leave the thought a thought~

Random Blitz - Life Has To Go On

2009-04-12T18:38:00.002+08:00

Random Blitz - Life Has To Go On
And I'm wondering why

Sometimes the silence is like a balm, sometimes it's an oppressive entity.

I don't even know why I'm beginning to feel everything like this.

Now it hurts to sing. I can't bring the words. Everything's kept inside, inside.

But life still has to go on.

Yes. It does.

~Blitzed off by Wakka02~

Random Blitz - Unmotivated

2009-04-12T02:10:00.002+08:00

Random Blitz - Unmotivated
Just can't muster the energy to

I don't look forward to much anymore. Booking out, booking in, staying home over the weekend, going out every day of the weekend, talking to people, staying silent, it's all one and the same to me. Honestly I can't find the energy to do anything now. I'm living life because I have to live it, not because I want to.

I used to be able to attach a song to anything, and a song has always been playing in my head for ages and ages. When a song comes on that I know, I used to get the urge to sing right along. Now, I can't even find the feel of wanting to sing. No more emotions to be let out, no more words to be given flight and form. Everything's just so silent nowadays. Life goes on, in silence. Such a new experience.

~Blitzed off by Wakka02~

Blitz 464 - Life Sucks When

2009-04-10T22:30:00.002+08:00

Blitz 464 - Life Sucks When
Things I'll Never Say

Life sucks when...

...you're an overachiever.

...you're proud.

...you aim high.

...you try everything there is to be tried.

...you keep standing up again and again.

...you have confidence in your own ability.

Yup. Life just sucks.

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I tried this test some time ago and it gave me a certain result. I realize that the test results change as time goes by because of the different order of cube-choosing, but the accuracy of the test still amazes me. Which one? Colorgenics of course.

Enough is enough - you feel frustrated and rejected. You are fighting back and the going is tough. It would be just wonderful if you could be left in peace.

Everything seems to be going against you at this time. Try as you may you are meeting with considerable resistance at every turn. Nothing is going as you would plan. The situation is difficult and you are trying to persist in your objectives against resistance. It would appear that you are being very secretive about your future plans just in case people around you try to thwart you.

You honestly believe that your hopes and ideas are realistic, but there seems to be no one around to give you the necessary reassurance and encouragement. You are egocentric. You believe that you are always 'right' - well maybe you are but you have a short fuse and are likely to take offence for the slightest reason.

The tension that you are experiencing at this time is perhaps due to physical and/or mental frustration. It would appear that you are not appreciated and as a consequence, the situation is most disagreeable. You seek personal recognition and the appreciation of others to compensate for the lack of like minded people with whom to ally yourself. You would like to surrender and merge with others but your inherent self-restraint makes it difficult for you to open up. This disturbs you as you regard such instincts as weaknesses to be overcome. You want to be liked, admired and appreciated for yourself.

The need for admiration and to be regarded as 'someone special' is perhaps one of the foremost aims in your life at this time. You would like to perhaps do something outrageous or anything that will give you the chance to be recognised as someone special. This desire has now almost become an obsession and in your own way you are trying to fulfil this 'complex' by ensuring you are the centre of attention, both at work or play, or in the home. Stop trying so hard and you will find that people will like you for who you are - not for who you are pretending to be.

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Blitz to your Blitz:

Pris: ?? Pet ROCK?

~Guess I'm wishing my life away~

Blitz 463 - Disappointment Drive

2009-04-05T20:31:00.003+08:00

Blitz 463 - Disappointment Drive
Don't think about it

There's no point crying over spilt milk. None at all.

Maybe a day will come when I actually listen to myself talk. Laughs out loud.

No Blitzes to no Blitzes

~Listen, and hear the echoes~

Blitz 462 - Long Week

2009-03-29T20:07:00.003+08:00

Blitz 462 - Long Week
More than a little disappointed

You know how it feels when time just seems to crawl on all fours, stagnate and an hour seems like a day, a day feels like a week? That's how the previous week felt to me. Although I saw little of my new men the whole week, I've been absorbed in work to do with my vehicle, now that I've stepped into the role of a Vehicle Commander officially. Service the vehicle, Tianxiang. Shift the vehicle, Tianxiang. Top up the fuel, Tianxiang. The list just went on and on. Night after night I retired to my bunk at ten odd, day after day saw me at the vehicle shed more often than not.

Some people say that work makes time fly right by, but in my case it seems to be the opposite. Time crawled by so slowly that I lost track of it, totally forgetting which day was which and often mistaking Wednesdays for Fridays and Tuesdays for Wednesdays. It was that bad. If my NS life is going to become like that for the rest of two years, I think I'm going to enter a permanent-tired mode soon.

A little more on my NS life is that I took my IPPT on Friday, and I managed to scrape together a Silver score even though I hadn't trained for ages and ages. I'm pretty surprised myself, especially how I managed to jump 225 for my standing broad jump when I only barely got 216 the last few times. But my running did deprove. It stood at 11:16 on Friday. Truth be told I'm rather disappointed. Perhaps more than 'rather'. I wanted to run 10:30 at least. But I guess it's been too long since I last ran hm.

Oh, well.

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I downloaded this song recently, by my favourite eight-year-old singer, Connie Talbot. She's improved greatly since her debut at the television show Britain's Got Talent, and she's simply amazing now. Click here to listen.

Just listen to the song. You can ignore the bad video. LoL. She's good. Very, very much so. Kinda envy her, but no one can fault her talent.

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Blitzes to your Blitzes:

~hinho~: Hahas where got fast siaz. It's very long... 8.5 more months..

Jeremyy: Yeahh I remember those days. I felt so nostalgic during my field camp lahs. Our drainage was good. =D Of course, it did help that we slept all the way at the top. Hahas.

~Don't do what you can't undo, until you've considered what you can't do once you've done it. -King Shrewd~

Blitz 461 - Dragonball Evolution

2009-03-22T21:16:00.006+08:00

Blitz 461 - Dragonball Evolution
Worst show on earth

I've been putting this off because I thought that as it was alone, it was pretty boring and didn't really deserve to be posted, so I've been waiting for a time when I can pair it up with something else to make a post.

To be honest, at the end of this post I don't even know if I can make this into a decent length post that you've been reading. I might end up being too busy packing my bag for booking in. I'll talk about block leave first. It's been a restful few days lately, what with the nine day leave and all. I haven't been doing much other than going out and eating and sleeping and playing games, but guiltily also haven't been exercising much either. I just know I'll have to find some way to correct that.

Went to watch a show on Tuesday with my Cheetah Company fellow commanders. What show? Dragonball Evolution. One of our party wanted to watch it and since the rest of us were generally content with whatever show anyone picked, we went with that. I can't really say that I expected to demand much from the show, having never liked the Dragonball series in the first place, though I honestly couldn't expect it to be worse than Departures, but what I saw simply took the cake.

The storyline was stupid, it made no sense at all, places were just out of place (a desert, active volcano and mountain in the middle of or near a city in America?), events jumped from one to another like a child playing leap-frog over and over with himself, hatreds and dislikes were absolved while friendships and loves were formed in five minutes, the "training phase" was complete in another five, the final battle lasted fifteen minutes but really only displayed one move, the battle scenes were incoherent and you really couldn't tell one end from another, the ending was cliché and sucked... and the list just goes on and on. It's that bad.

While the credits were rolling, I simply collapsed in my seat shaking in laughter, both at the movie's stupidity and my own, because I'd paid six dollars for a seat in a theatre screening that flimsy film. Other people in my party were far more vocal in their amused anger.

Wakka02's rating: 0.5 out of 5 stars. (Never watch this. Even if you have no show to watch. Take the money and take bus rides around Singapore for the view. It's better.) I gave it 0.5 stars for the effort the creators put in.

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Okay I'm pretty much out of ideas to blog about at the moment. Your time has been wasted if you've been checking back my blog for some informative and emotional post, although I really hope that none of you people have been sadistic enough to hope for that all the time, hahas. Everytime I write a post it ends up being sad and terrible, but I don't feel like it today. I shall demand of myself a rambling post that ought to make no sense to anyone at all.

I'm perpetually sleepy lately, ever since block leave started. Oh no. That's not a good thing. I don't know how I'm going to survive back in camp, after having so long a break. I think I'll perpetually fall asleep. So far, so good though, because I managed to wake up all by myself this morning when I was on COS duty. I'm pretty proud of that achievement.

Now I'm beginning to miss my past life. Gone are the days when my mother would make me get up in the mornings, just to catch the bus to school, and the most important things to worry about would be things such as handing in homework and getting to classes on time. Strangely enough, I miss studying, even. I think that attitude ought to worry me a little.

But now it seems like the norm now, to wake by the sun's rays on my face and dreading a day of facing recruits. Or privates, now that they've promoted. More and more of my days will probably be spent busy than slack, and I doubt that it's going to be much of a stroll in the park now as it was last time when the guys were still in the BMT phase. No longer will I be a BMT sergeant, but a sergeant of the armour infantry like I was trained to be. Not that I have much confidence in being one. I don't really think I'm cut out to be a soldier.

You might think I'm strange, reflecting on life that only just passed by and already thinking about a future I can't change. Well, that's just me, I guess. Occasionally (or should I say frequently?), I get into that kind of mood. Well. Life's like that. Or rather, life for me is like that. I'm a born thinker. Kinda sucks to be me, but it is my life.

Yup. I shall stop rambling here. Actually I only posted to burn the one hour I had before I had to leave to book-in, and I'm proud to say I accomplished that mission. It's time to go, and hopefully I'll have a much more enriched (for the lack of a better word) post next weekend. See you all.

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

Pris: Hahas no need for thanks lahs. No, the new pixelized uniform sucks. I'm definitely keeping one of my old ones as my real army uniform. I refuse to admit the new lousy one to be my uniform!

~hinho~: Nine months is VERY long! Oh, what do you work as? Forgot to ask.

~If you can't see clearly, I suggest you make things a little bigger. -Lartini Munez~

Blitz 460 - Finality

2009-03-15T23:48:00.002+08:00

Blitz 460 - Finality
Last parade

The newly trained recruits gathered in their ranks of threes under the shelter of the multi-storey 'A' vehicle carpark. I walked amongst them, giving what little advice I could, and bidding farewells to some.

Soon enough the parade began. As the recruits marched in I winced at several mistakes, laughed out loud at some and covered my face at others. It was a hilarious passing out parade, one that entailed many stupid errors, but I guess one can hardly blame them. They rehearsed for three days, after all.

This BMT passing out parade has had a note of finality to it. A lot of things ended on that day. I will miss my old uniform, having traded it for the new pixelized (and extremely ugly) uniform. That day marked the end of my role as a BMT instructor, and the beginning of my life as a real Armour Specialist. Friday was also the last day for my PCs being, well, my PCs. After Friday, they would go back to being BMT PCs at Pulau Tekong, and contact will be far and in between from now on. I will miss them, a lot.

Well. The last week has seemed to drag on for an eternity for me, and I'm sure everyone else in my company felt much the same. Monday was short, but Tuesday was a killer as we embarked on our 24km route march through the night. We walked and walked and walked and walked, while the night grew, blossomed and withered into dawn around us. The recruits were lucky; more often than not we walked on even, flat track with only a few rocks to mar the surface. But still, it was one hell of an experience.

Strangely enough, while I had only barely made it past 24km as a recruit in Tekong a year ago, sustaining multiple blisters, abrasions and other miscellaneous injuries in the process, this time round I finished the march with quite a bit of energy to spare, and only grew a couple of blisters on the soles of my feet. Perhaps I've grown used to walking, but that doesn't seem likely since my vocation mostly involves sitting in an armoured vehicle waiting and sleeping. Hmmm.

Now that it's all over, I believe I'll try and get some rest for the day. But then again, I wonder how much I can truly rest for.

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Went out with Chris and Priscilla on Saturday. We didn't manage to go for the ice cream she'd originally wanted, and she'd already gotten herself a Pokéball so we didn't eat a Happy Meal at Mac's either. Instead we ate at Bakerzin, a bread place which sells really overpriced stuff. The food there wasn't bad but it wasn't exactly outstanding either.

We wandered around for a little while wondering what to do, then finally took Chris car to Bishan to play at the arcade there. Priscilla got all high about taking his car for the first time. We played Photo Hunt of all things, Time Crisis, Daytona, all the normal arcade games.

We bade Priscilla goodbye at around six pm, when we proceeded to play Magic cards with Timothy, who had arrived just prior to Priscilla leaving. For an hour we hovered over a very tiny table at Coffee Bean dealing cards and doing damage to one another in Magic: The Gathering. Later the rest of the gang showed up, then we had dinner at a nearby hawker center before proceeding to GV to watch the movie Departures.

I don't know about what other critics might say, but I seriously didn't see the point of the show. It was about a guy who got retrenched because the orchestra he was working in went broke and dissolved, then he moved back to his hometown and found work... as a make-up artist for corpses, sort of. It's a Japanese tradition, to make the bodies clean and beautiful before sending them on their way, so that they can be that way for all eternity. Well, the pay was good, he needed the money, and the boss wasn't really picky about who to choose, so he just took him on the spot. The exchange went something like this:

Kobayashi (male lead): Here's my resumé.

(Kobayashi hands the boss his portfolio)

Boss: Oh, okay. Good, good.

(Boss takes it and tosses it onto the table without even looking. The two sit down and stare at each other for a while.)

Boss: Are you a hard worker?

Kobayashi: Huh? Uh, yes, yes of course.

Boss: Okay. You're hired.

Throughout the whole show, I seriously didn't know what genre to classify the show as. Comedy? Drama? It struck me more of a television Korean drama, not something to be shown for two hours on a theater screen.

There was totally no takeaway, no lesson learned, no meaning delivered to the audience after the whole show ended. Touching? Only just a little bit. The show was confusing in that it didn't really start off very well, because it tried playing around with the chronological order of events and totally lost the audience for a good thirty to forty-five minutes of the entire show. There were plenty of hidden meanings in the show, but none really portrayed that well and were pretty shallow.

All in all, Departures is definitely not a show worth watching, and totally wasted my eight dollars worth of tickets.

Wakka02's rating: 2 out of 5 stars (Don't watch. Unless you're really really bored.)

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Went out with Stella this morning. It was our first meeting since we got to know each other and frankly speaking I was rather afraid that we would be too shy (as she put it) to talk and there would be a lot of awkwardness between us. It's pretty relieving to say that we can talk pretty well both in person and online, if not better. Somehow, I doubt that we would have much meetings like that though. Different schedules and I don't really think the two of us are suited to that kind of meeting. Hahas.

At least we're still friends.

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Blitzes to your Blitzes:

Stella: Hahs. Everything lo. Hahax...

mel: Hahas thank YOU.

~hinho~: December lahs... Sob. PTP batch...

~If I could only share what I had with y-u~

Random Blitz - I'm With You

2009-03-09T11:06:00.002+08:00

Random Blitz - I'm With You
Avril Lavigne

I'm standing on the bridge
I'm waiting in the dark
I thought that you'd be here
By now

There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's
No sound

Isn't anyone tryin’ to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand, take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are but I
I'm with you
I'm with you

I'm looking for a place
I'm searching for a face
Is anybody here I know

'Cause nothing's going right
And everything’s a mess
And no one likes to be alone

Isn't anyone tryin’ to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand, take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are but I
I'm with you
I'm with you

Oh
Why is everything so confusing
Maybe I'm just out of my mind
Yeah

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand, take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are, but I
I'm with you
I'm with you

Take me by the hand, take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are, but I
I'm with you
I'm with you

Take me by the hand, take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are but I

I'm with you
I'm with you
I'm with you...

I never really got the meaning and story of this song, up till now. Now I think it's a beautifully sad song.

~Blitzed off by Wakka02~

Blitz 459 - Come and Go

2009-03-07T00:45:00.002+08:00

Blitz 459 - Come and Go
Insecurity

Finally back from my near two week long MIA status, Gods I'm tired. But I figured I'd post this when it was still fresh in my head, so here goes.

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OC evening was held sometime last week, and was more than a little disappointing. Skits held by the recruits were poorly planned and rehearsed, and some were obviously made up on the spot. My own Platoon 10 did me proud on a very short but somewhat amusing performance, but that was the extent of the festivities.

After all the boredom of imitating various commanders in the company, there was this movie screening on an old film called Gridiron Gang. At first I did want to post something about the movie, but because all the important bits and pieces I seem to have completely forgotten, I shall post about it some other time. Sorry about the wasted tag, Stella. LoL.

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Been outfield almost all the time since I left for Pulau Tekong on Saturday. The recruits spent miserable night after miserable day after miserable night there, because of the near-torrential rains that came pouring down night after day after night.

The first night they built their basha tents, which is a kind of low shelter, they were instructed to build drainage system to lead all the water out of the tents. The drainages they dug, however, were less than half-complete, when they threw down their earth-trenching sticks and blades and declared the deed done. Well. On their head be it, we told them. And when the rains came that night, they really paid for the price of not digging good drains. The recruits got soaking wet that night.

After that the days seemed to follow a predictable pattern. Hot in the mornings and afternoons, then the rain would come in little drizzles in the late afternoons, increase in intensity in the evening and then settle down to another light drizzle or nothing at all at night. We Sergeants got pretty much wet too, standing in the rain looking after the poor guys. I'd no heart at all to steal any rifles, they were having such a miserable time of it.

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On Tuesday I left for home and arrived late at night, for a quick shower and a gathering of stuff I would need, before heading out to Pasir Laba Camp for an ATEC exercise. Truth be told I was weary of outfield, but I pushed on with enthusiasm because I was chosen to be an umpire. I didn't have much choice about it, so I decided I'd rather have fun than moan and grumble over it.

Suffice it to say, I was sadly disappointed. A lot of the information I got there is classified - not even restricted, classified - but I think it's safe to me to say that I was bored. Very bored. And hot, too. And bothered by a lot of various bugs, like flies and mosquitoes.

To summarize, ATEC is a short evaluation exercise of your unit by pitting that unit against a special unit trained to take on units in a mock battle in a designated area. The objectives range from capturing a place, delaying an attack, defending a position and so on. I was part of the Red Force - Opposition Forces (OPFOR) umpire team and therefore stayed with the OPFOR throughout the duration of the three days there. It wasn't pleasant.

My vehicle 'died' rapidly and within a very short time whenever the mission started, although this is not to say my PC tried to 'die' so that he could slack, but that he tried to hard to kill the enemy, overextended himself and 'died' as a result. Then, whenever our vehicle went down, I'd just sleep the entire day away. I brought two 650-page novels with me, and I managed to finish reading both of them. Talk about a waste of time.

I ended the exercise late Friday night, and rushed home so that I could shower and blog about all that. Maybe I shouldn't have wasted my time. Hahas.

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Sometimes it's like you're just coming and going. Coming when you will, going when you tire of it. It's sad. When will you realize that these small little crumbs of affection aren't what I'm looking for, what I want to have? Will you leave me with the scraps of your life, the bits of your time that you're willing to share? I don't know anything about you. You know much about me, as much as anyone else, but that's tantamount to not much either.

'Twas a time, when there was lots more we shared about ourselves. Now, you disappear for months, and I don't even know if you've gone overseas or just stayed at home for that time. You come back after weeks of absence, and expect everything to remain the same as everything once was. You can pretend you don't feel the drift, but I do.

I will be honest. I've missed you, all the time you weren't talking to me. Missed you, all the time you were gone from my life. And I suspect I will go on missing you, as you continue to fade in and out of my daily routines. I detest myself for it. But I cherished your friendship as much in the past as I do now. And so I miss you.

Suffice it to say, that we don't know yet enough about each other for us to remain the friends we once were, or had been. Time was when you could guess what I was thinking, just sitting next to me in class and watching my face. Time was when you could make me laugh, and I you. Time was when I could see you mingle and smile, and smile back when you extended that to me. Time was.

I wonder why I'm even typing this. I don't want to hurt you. Not you, of all people. Never you, whom I had never said a harsh word to in the past. Never you, whom was just like a little sister to me, always bouncing around me and smiling so happily one could only smile back at you. I liked you that way, just as a brother likes his little sibling. But times have changed so much, I can only say that what remained the same will never remain the same forever.

Regrets. I've held many, thus far, in twenty years. But yours, perhaps, is the hardest one I hold. I damn myself for missing you, because you're offering me, probably, all you think is necessary to hold a bond. I can hardly blame you for that, and so I make do.

I hate feeling like a purse string. Because that's all you seem to do, lately. I don't think it's the truth. I don't think you're a friend that way. But I'm not sure of anything anymore. When I doubt you, I doubt myself. And then I doubt everything that's ever happened. And the truth from you, would only make me doubt more.

I don't know if I'll ever learn to trust anyone again. It's been broken too many times. When it does, if it does, I'll let you know. I'll let all of you know. But before that, I'm sorry if I can't reciprocate the trust you give me. I won't be able to trust anyone, for the time being.

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Okay I think I shall leave off here for a bit. The previous bit took all the energy I had left from ATEC and field camp back-to-back from me. I think I'll talk about the last topic, "ORD", next time.

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

~hinho~: Yes I know you're very free. Damn it. When's my ORD?!

Stella: Yeah well. No need for that. I should be thanking you instead. Thanks ya. For everything.

Pris: Hahas next Saturday, has Chris said yet?

mel: Hahas I remember a lot of my dreams. Like, seriously a lot. Only for a short time though. Share them with you next time ya.

~Like the errant wind, blowing and stopping at whim~

Random Blitz - Missing In Action

2009-02-25T16:05:00.001+08:00

Random Blitz - Missing In Action
Time to go

After this next book-in, I won't be around for nearly two weeks. Yup. Message me if you need anything. Bye people.

~Blitzed off by Wakka02~

Random Blitz - Silver-Tinged Dreams

2009-02-15T03:28:00.002+08:00

Random Blitz - Silver-Tinged Dreams
Vivid

I woke up. It was early morning. I needed to go somewhere, to school, to a faculty I didn't know. University days were hard, but the routine life was normal to me.

The perspective changed. I was no longer me, but a third person viewing it all from the outside. I watched as a dark girl in green was bullied badly by two people at school. They said mean, awful things and made her cry. She left school and made her way to a Coffee Bean, still crying.

Suddenly I was me again. I knew this girl. She was - is - a good friend of mine. I walked up to her.

What's wrong?

The story spilled out of her in little bits and trickles. It was all new to me even though I'd seen it from the outside before, and the story filled me with outrage. I wanted to do something but if I did so I'd be late for school. I deliberated on the dilemma. I didn't know what to do.

At length I discovered I'd sat by the girl for far too long. I was going to be running late. It was somehow important that I be there at school. I couldn't skip class, not today, no. But she was important to me too. I continued sitting there, torn. What to do? And all the while she cried.

Finally I gave her a solution to the problem. She tried it, it worked. Everything was well with her again, although her tears were not yet dry. I'd tried. And I'd helped. Sooner or later she'll smile again. That was the important thing. I left her side and continued to walk to school. I would just make it in time after all.

My point of view leaped again. This time was much similar to the first, except now the dark girl in green was replaced by another, fair and wearing green skirts. Her blouse was white, or I think it was. It might be a very light grey, but I doubt it. It was too bright to be grey.

There was only one person mistreating her this time. She went away, crying, not to a Coffee Bean, but to an apartment instead. I saw myself this time, somehow in that room, passing by on my way to school. The walls were stark white, and there was no furniture at all.

The girl had changed her clothes. She was no longer in white and green, but in a uniform blue that somehow made me sad looking at it. She was looking at the wall, silently crying. I walked up to her, and asked the same question.

What's wrong?

Again came the story. And then abruptly, I was me again. I stared at her speechlessly, my mind wondering what to do. Well. It'd worked once before. I gave her the same solution. All she did was stare back at me helplessly. It hadn't worked. She'd never try it. And she and I, all we could do was stare, I at her, she at the wall. And she was crying.

I needed to get somewhere. Fast. There was hardly any time left for me to do it. I remained standing there, feeling helpless and dejected, and torn.

All the while, the tears didn't stop running down her face.

I haven't had a dream so vivid for ages. I wanted to post it down before I forgot more of it. There's more to the dream. I remember a fight somewhere, and I was in the thick of it. But it couldn't fit into the dream. It's all a connected, continuous dream, but I just can't remember how it connects. This is the most I can remember.

And yes. I know both girls. Just that in the dream, I never could recall their name.

Blitz to your Blitz:

Mk: Hahs. Depends on their behaviour. I'm a generally nice person to them, really. LoL.

~Blitzed off by Wakka02~

Blitz 458 - Inexplicable

2009-02-14T00:14:00.002+08:00

Blitz 458 - Inexplicable
How did I do it?

And yet another week has passed by, but this one scarcely crawled past, let alone flew. I'm still kind of shocked that I managed to, inexplicably, survive the past five days.

The week started off to a great start, actually. Monday was a major activity but while it certainly took a pretty long time, there wasn't much to do and we specialists were allowed more or less total freedom to the place. Tuesday was also the same activity, and the same rules more or less applied.

Then Wednesday rolled around, and we suddenly found ourselves remarkably short-handed. Three people were clearing their off days, which left fourteen. Four were involved in some last minute parade, which left ten. Three were on course, which left seven. One was an admin spec, which left six. One had to attend medical centre duty, another COS. Four. Three went to take half the company off for swimming, which left a grand total of one. Guess who that one was?

...Doesn't take a genius to tell.

So I stood by the entire company's area platoon by platoon, and shot each platoon's area cleaning down with acid comments and told them to reclean so to buy time for the swimmers to come back. Truth be told, I didn't really need to act much. The area cleaning was screwed up to begin with and I didn't have much trouble finding all the mistakes they made while cleaning, big and small. And they had to the nerve to sleep!

Thursday rolled around and the situation didn't improve much. We still had only four specialists. We did our best and managed to get past the day, mainly because the schedule for that day was slack and there wasn't much managing we needed to do.

Friday came and found me reeling in bed from tiredness, but I still managed to somehow rouse myself and take my platoon for breakfast. I can't even recall the day's events much anymore, but that's more because of the hazy fog of ire I felt in my thoughts and mind throughout the entire day. I angered easily, and shouted a great deal more than I normally do. The slightest thing annoyed me, the smallest thing incurred my wrath. I got pretty ticked off at a couple of fellow specialists, got extremely angry with my recruits and got emotional all over a passing comment. I don't know what's wrong with me today.

I stalked out of company line, tired, irritable and wholly displeased with myself for feeling that way. Lucky as I climbed into the cab, I sent two recruits who were going my way home, and the talk we had was lively and interesting if not meaningful. It saved me the trouble of having to think so much about things because I tried hard to keep up with the conversation.

---------------------------------------------

I want to thank a particular person for trying so, so hard to continue being my friend, even though my performance has been lackluster at best lately. I want to say thanks, for extending that hand toward me, even when I'm down, feeling completely sorry for myself and thrusting your hand away. Now it's my turn, to help you. Talk to me ya.

---------------------------------------------

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

mel: LoL. What's gotten into you? Hahas. See you again soon, hopefully!

terr: Hahas it's not decided by me, training is planned by the PCs. 3SGs actually have no real power at all.

~hinho~: ARGH! GO AWAY! GO AWAY!

Diego: Hahas I changed quite some time ago. You too ya.

crys: EXACTLY. The woes of being a 3SG. Sob.

~Stop ~ Stop ~ Stop ~ Stop ~ Stop~

Blitz 457 - Seething

2009-02-07T01:37:00.004+08:00

Blitz 457 - Seething
No more blurry silliness

Another week has passed in Sungei Gedong Camp, but it certainly wasn't uneventful. Hahs.

Finally gave my recruits the tongue-lashing and punishment that they've deserved since a long time ago but I never had the heart to give out. I understand that some of them are now extremely unhappy with me and are bordering on the edge of disrespect, but hey, I don't care anymore. I used to care, but now I don't bother. Why the hell should I give a damn about people who don't give a damn about me?

Maybe someone up there wasn't too happy about the night I went all out with the recruits though, because the day after that when we were out in the field doing our field test, it started to rain cats and dogs. It started out as a tiny drizzle which passed as suddenly as it came, but then just when we were down to the last few groups it really started to pour. I was out along the test route at the time and we were forced to take cover under some trees. It failed though, and we got wet through and through. We stood there dripping rain for what seemed like forever before the tonner came to pick us up. At least, it was an interesting experience. Lucky my handphone didn't spoil.

There were a lot of other things which happened and kept us all extremely busy, but that's all mostly army stuff and since a large majority of the people who read this are non-NSFs I shan't go into details here. I'm dead tired from the week though. Monday alone seemed like three days worth of training.

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Wanted to post something unpleasant but I'm kind of wondering if I should or not. Oh well. I guess it'll end up where it usually goes; in my head and in my soul.

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Sometimes I wonder if I'm cut out for this job. Or maybe it's just the curse of failure following me all the way to NS because whatever I do now seems either inadequate or wrong even though I'm already doing my best and working hard. Which one is it? I wonder, huh.

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亲爱的那不是爱情
张韶涵

教室里那台风琴
叮咚叮咚叮嚀
像你告白的声音
动作一直很轻
微笑看你送完信
转身离开的背影
喜欢你字跡清秀的关心

那温热的牛奶瓶在我手中握紧
有你在的地方我总感觉很窝心
日子像旋转木马
在脑海里转不停
出现那些你对我好的场景

你说过牵了手就算约定
但亲爱的那并不是爱情
就像来不及许愿的流星
再怎麼美丽也只能是曾经

太美的承诺因為太年轻
但亲爱的那并不是爱情
就像是精灵住错了森林
那爱情错的很透明

那温热的牛奶瓶在我手中握紧
有你在的地方我总感觉很窝心
日子像旋转木马
在脑海里转不停
出现那些你对我好的场景

你说过牵了手就算约定
但亲爱的那并不是爱情
就像来不及许愿的流星
再怎麼美丽也只能是曾经

太美的承诺因為太年轻
但亲爱的那并不是爱情
就像是精灵住错了森林
那爱情错的很透明

太美的承诺因為太年轻
但亲爱的那并不是爱情
就像是精灵住错了森林
那爱情错的很透明

It's all in how you interpret the song.

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Not a lot to blog about today. So ending off here.

Blitz to your Blitz:

mel: Hahas I'll try not to. Thanks ya, see ya later!

~Looks like storytelling time is over~

Blitz 456 - Monotone

2009-02-01T15:57:00.002+08:00

Blitz 456 - Monotone
The on-going drone of dead thoughts

So another uneventful week has come and gone, and starting tomorrow marks the start of another boring five days in camp. Whee.

Looking back at things, I've come pretty far from where I began, and where I am now is somewhere that I pretty much expected from the start. Fortune-telling? No, just a guess based on fact and evidence.

Oh, well.

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I found Mun Kiat's tag to be pretty interesting, so here goes my thoughts on that particular matter. He tagged thus:

"HI. here's something to think about. Some people do the right things to be the leader. But some people be the leader then do the right things. Does the order of which occurence comes first matter?"

Wow.. Feels like an expository essay. I shall try my best to write a standard essay answer for this just like I wrote back in Secondary School and JC, although I think my standard of writing would have dropped a million miles or so in the past year in NS.

My answer to that question would definitely be a yes. The order of occurence does matter. When a person is elected a leader because he was doing the right things, then there are two possibilities to explain why this happened. One, that he was doing the "right things" so as to be noticed and be picked for leadership, in which case he would probably make a very bad leader because after he has attained his goal he would no longer have any reason to continue doing the "right things" anymore.

Another possibility would be that he would be doing the "right things" because that's how he was taught, raised, and he is only doing what he thinks is the appropriate and right thing to do. This kind of person was born a leader, for he has the innate attitude and mentality to lead and do, as is said so often, the "right things", and would most likely continue doing as such after being appointed a leader.

When a person is chosen a leader before beginning to do the right things, that shows a lot about his circumstances. One, that he has had a lot of luck, and opportunities arose just enough for him to make the cut. Two, that he would try hard to be a good leader, because he either wants to prove himself up for the task or he doesn't want to fail. This kind of person is, in actuality, the majority of people nowadays, as leaders are rarely born and often made.

So to sum it all up, if a person does the right things to become a leader, then that person is either a show-off or a born leader, but if a person becomes a leader and then starts doing the right things, that person will eventually become a good leader, but he was made one and not born one.

...Okay my English standard sucks now. Damn.

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Sometimes there's just an on-going drone of thoughts in my mind, drowning out my rational thoughts and replacing them with teary, watery thoughts that would float around in my head for extended periods of time before something arrives to tear me away from that kind of sadness and divert my attention. Then the drone will diminish for a while, but when the attention-grabbing thing is gone again the drone will grow larger and larger until I'm overwhelmed again. That's why, if you notice, I "stone" a lot. I'm not spacing out, but just thinking of... things.

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Blitzes to your Blitzes:

mel: I AM less than twenty. Hahas. No.. I've met a lot of slackers in my lifetime.

kmk: Hahas hope I answered the question!

Stella: Who knows, you might be one in the future. Hahas.

~Stop talking~

Random Blitz - Perfectionist

2009-01-25T22:04:00.002+08:00

Random Blitz - Perfectionist
What makes a leader

I just ended this very interesting lecture that my father gave me and my two sisters in the dining room about his opinion of a leader, and it gave me a couple of insights into his character.

It started off as a topic on whether or not we were willing to try out a new idea of his to sell bread - the topic itself being a different story and so will not be further elaborated upon - and he asked if we would be willing to run the bread store. This of course gave rise to several questions and debates and in the end the topic was never really settled. But as it turned out, my dad was just conducting some "tests" of his own regarding our characters, attitudes and miscellanous stuff. Stella ought to find this amusing, don't you? Hahs. Like father like son, they say. And of course, while he's conducting tests to gather information on us, I'm gathering my own information about him.

Anyway, the topic took several twists and turns and at some point he explained to us how he sees the leader in a person. Evidently he's the kind of boss who actually picks a random date and visits the workplace (in this case a hotel) and does little itty-gritty checks with the staff, how they're doing and all that. And he's friendly enough, so it seems, that the staff actually chat right back.

He says that often enough, he hears the term "I also can be a GM/CEO, just that I never actually applied for the job" from his mid-class echelon a lot, and then he just replies with the same old routine, which I find extremely interesting. It goes something like this:

"So you think you can be a GM/CEO? Then let me ask you something. Do you have the attitude to be a GM/CEO? An executive? Because knowledge is not the important thing. Knowledge can be learned. It's the attitude that's important, that I cannot teach you. When you walk by the corridor, do you see a piece of paper on the floor, just a tiny piece, and pick it up? Or walk by? If you see a potted plant in a corner, then notice that it's in a different corner from yesterday, or just heck care? If you enter a toilet, and then notice if a tap isn't working, do you do something about it, or just skip to the next sink? Because if you don't do any of these things, you're not cut out for a GM/CEO job."

His idea of a "leader" is someone who is a perfectionist, one who actually cares about all the little minor things that don't leave impressions. A house, he said, is planned by the architect, engineered to fruition by - forgive the pun - the engineers, but it all works out because the carpenters know how to hammer the nails in correctly, the brick-layers know how to lay the bricks accurately and smear the concrete well. Because it may look and work very well at the start, but soon enough a piece here or a bit there will crumble away, and you no longer have a masterpiece, but just another faulty imperfection.

Of course he didn't really say all that per se, and I admit I embellished the words just a little bit, but that's the general gist of the man. It made me think a little bit, as to what kind of person my father is. There's a lot more of information I gathered myself, but the most interesting bit is this. Just thought I'd put this down somewhere so I don't forget, and it's an interesting story to share.

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

Jeremyyy: Hahas! Good point there. LoL. Guess we're both doomed to seem like kids huh.

mel: NO lo, I think I look older still. I'm not an ah boy!!

~Blitzed off by Wakka02~

Blitz 455 - Smoke

2009-01-24T20:58:00.003+08:00

Blitz 455 - Vague Memories
Unkept

I went to pray to my grandfather, whose death anniversary was three years ago yesterday, and it was a remarkably... lively affair, for lack of a better word.

We arrived at the place at around 1230 or so, and the place was packed with people. This was evidently a very astonishing sight according to my mum, and we had difficulty trying to find a spot to place all the offerings. And the process of praying has, so it seems, been updated a lot of times.

For one thing, offerings were made of any manner of food possible; since it's the New Year, the tables were laden with New Year goodies such as pineapple tarts, peanut cakes, sweets of every kind imaginable, etc. etc. There was the occasional, traditional rice scattered here and there, with joss sticks sticking out of them, but that has been updated as well; now people use styrofoam packets instead of little round ceramic bowls you see in all the shows.

Modernisation is a scary thing.

Was shaking my joss sticks while looking at my grandfather's tablet on the altar, and I was suddenly struck by flashback after flashback, times when my grandfather was still alive, when he was dragging me out of my room for some random chore that seemed very important to him, and also when we were at his funeral and I was looking at his calm face, arranged in repose, resting there in the funeral pyre.

I don't remember shedding any tears for him at that time, but I look back now.. Things seem different somehow.

I never understood my grandfather. He was... anti-social, to say the least. He kept his piece away from all of us, and from the fear that we had for him when we were kids, it grew into disrespect, and then finally we just avoided him. He would do erratic things, and we granted it as a privilege of the elderly, to act so. Now, I feel regrets not having been a better grandson to a lonely old man.

I looked at the tablet, and prayed not that he would watch over us, but that he would be able to rest peacefully forever, free from the aching loneliness he must have felt back when he was in our family.

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At length we stuck our joss sticks in the general altar, burned him the paper notes (Mum actually bought him paper US dollars, like whoa.) and left the place. The bulk of the party went to visit my great-grandmother's grave, but my two sisters and I had other plans, so we chose not to go.

Thinking about my great-grandmother, I realize I don't have many memories of her when she was alive. In fact, I can actually count the memories I have. I remember vaguely, her kind old face. I remember her wooden chair with cushions. I remember the crackers she always made for New Year, and they were delicious. I remember her hands, stroking my head from beside me. And that's all.

I guess I should be considered fortunate that I even know my great-grandmother in any way, but I never even knew her at all. When she passed away when I was in primary school, everyone seemed so.. solemn. My dad was unusually serious, my mother in a lesser degree but still. As a kid, I didn't know what was going on, but looking back again..

Sigh.

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But that's enough about funerals. Some things were never meant to be shared that much.

My two sisters and I took a bus down to Ang Mo Kio, where we had agreed the previous day to go for a KBox session. I thought it was pretty inappropriate to go out right after paying our respects to grandfather, but they thought nothing of it, so I didn't say anything either, since elder sis was looking forward to it so much.

Unexpectedly, I enjoyed myself during the five-hour session in that tiny, cramped room. Unlike sessions with my friends, I held the microphone more often than not, but that might be because there were only three of us in the room. My voice was also in a good condition, so I was able to throw myself into most of the songs and feel the story without worrying how I sounded. But that might also be because after all, they're my siblings, and I don't have to think about "face" and all.

-----------------------------------------------

That's probably all for now ya. Not in the best of moods right now so yeah. Ending off now.

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

~hinho~: Oops sorry about not replying in previous post. Damn my IPSC over already. Sob.

Pris: I only LOOK like one, I'm not actually one. Too bad huh. Oh man, you sound like Mun Kiat. Wow.

Stella: You seem to be pretty amused by it. -_- Well at least you used the word "boyish" and not "childish". Heh. I wanna grow up, damn it.

Angelays: Yeah that's why I really thought it was you at first. Hahs. Oh, I see..
The first step to loss
mel: Eh. What the. You're younger than me, don't talk. Hahas.

Tim: Well I wouldn't say they'd DIE, per se... But I'd really rather look grown up. Hahs.

crys: I'm Guard 2 on Wednesday, the day after book in. Talk about immediate use of resources huh.

~Don't make me promises, baby you never did know how to keep them well~

Blitz 454 - Boy

2009-01-20T19:33:00.003+08:00

Blitz 454 - Boy
Youthful or plain childish?

Been on a stay-out course for the past week for army, army's new regulation is that all commanders are to have at least attended IPSC (or BPSC for MAN) before they can do guard duty. So everyone is being sent in waves to attend the course. I can only describe it as overwhelmingly slack.

Everyday there are lectures, and the term "outfield" refers to "being outside of the lecture room". So different from the "outfield" we've been using in SISPEC and AISL huh? Best part is, they don't even care if you sleep in the lectures, and for those lecturers who do care it doesn't matter anyway, because they're hilarious enough to keep you awake throughout the whole thing. So I've either been sleeping or laughing my days away, talk about the good life huh. It's a pity the course is coming to a close in just two more days.

If only IPSC could last forever!

---------------------------------------------

I realize that no matter where I go, how I dress, how I act and what I do, I still get treated as a "boy". I went to MOS to grab a bite today and the lady at the counter said "Ah boy, come, your order hao le." On the train, I was the only one standing and an uncle who was alighting the train stood up and told me "Ah boy, na, can sit already. Standing very xin ku one." On the bus, I was sitting by myself at the back when a parent came over to me and spoke to me in extremely fluent English, "Sorry, but are you serving in the army?" When I confirmed that question, she laughed and said "Oh I see, because you looked so young I thought you were from some Secondary School's NCC or something..."

What the hell.

And the amazing thing is, throughout it all, I was dressed in Smart No. 4, which is the army uniform! So instead of being treated like an 阿兵哥I'm seen as an "army boy", apparently. So I'm forced to question myself:

Do I look too young, or do I just exude an air of childishness wherever I go? And neither option really appeals to me, anyway...

Geez. What do I have to do to convince people I'm grown up?

---------------------------------------------

Erm. Wanted to blog about something that I thought of just before falling asleep in the car this morning, but I can't remember what. Oops. I can only remember it had six words and something I wanted to blog about. Will edit this part if and when I manage to remember it. Yup.

---------------------------------------------

I never made you ecstatic before. At least, that's the way you sounded to me. I'm glad that after all these years, I can still put a smile on your face. The rest of the day didn't turn out as well as I had expected it to but the morning was heartwarming enough to brighten up the rest.

Keep smiling like that ya. Hopefully I can contribute to keeping it there for years to come. ;)

---------------------------------------------

Been feeling morose and tired lately. Maybe I've been sleeping and dreaming too much? Oh well. Hahas. Let's see if I get any better.

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

angela: Yup, glad I was of help. AJ's not a bad school really.

mel: Whoa.. Talked too much on the phone? =X Take care ya!

kiM: Hahas. Just glad you liked it. =D

~I just wanna grow up~

Blitz 453 - Nothing To Say

2009-01-14T21:54:00.003+08:00

Blitz 453 - Nothing To Say
Blank cheques and promises

Well. Because there have been some people commenting that I haven't been updating my blog, I'm here typing away trying to think of something to say, while drawing a complete blank. Which reminds me of some idea I came up with over the past week. This might not be worth blogging about but it's better than nothing.

-----------------------------------------------

There are all sorts of promises, broken ones, ones that were never meant to be kept, ones that were supposed to be kept. And then there are blank ones.

Blank promises are like blank cheques; they're both open-ended. A blank promise is a promise to something you don't know, a commitment to something either good or bad depending on the person asking. And it takes a hell lot of trust in order to actually make a blank promise.

And well. If one ever finds someone willing to make a blank promise to him or her when s/he really needs it.. I guess that person really is very lucky.

Urgh. My hypothetical writing skills are going down the drain.

-----------------------------------------------

Reading an article in the newspaper yesterday, I saw an EXTREMELY interesting article in The Straits Times. The heading:

"The 12 that put Catholic High on top". Interested, I opened the news to that particular page and started reading.

As quoted from The Straits Times:

"Of the top Secondary 4 students who sat for the GCE O-level examinations last year, nearly three in 10 came from Catholic High School.

From a total of 43 top students islandwide, 12 were from the school, and all 12 scored nine straight A1s. These students also made Catholic High the school with the most top-scoring Chinese students.

These results were a sharp rise from last year, when only three Catholic High students made it to the list of top Secondary 4 Chinese students.

Principal Lee Hak Boon attributed the marked improvement partly to a new curriculum the school adopted in 2006. It allows students to take subjects they want to study rather than choose from fixed subject combinations.

'What we've done here is to open up a lot of options,' said Mr Lee. 'We're giving leeway to students who want to do what they are interested in.'

O-level students need to take a predetermined number of subjects in language, the sciences and the humanities.

Students at Catholic High were able to take any combination they liked as long as they met the requirements.

The resulting total number of combinations came to nearly 100, according to English head of department Edwin Heng, and the school coped by 'banding' subjects in the timetable together.
For instance, during two hours of humanities subjects in a timetable, students attend the respective classes of whatever subjects they signed up for.

'I think the school programme has certainly helped,' said Chan Hua Peng, 17, one of the top students at Catholic High. 'If you study what you like, you'll naturally want to do well.'
Interests aside, the flexible system allows students like fellow top-scorer Chua Kah Hoe, 17, to take subjects they could ace.

'I chose mainly the subjects I would do well in,' he said. 'But it all depends on how much hard work you put in, and the teachers, of course.' "

After reading this article, my (and also the other two Specialists who were from Catholic High, Chien Wei and Wilson) first reaction was, "WHAT??? LEE HAK BOON IS STILL THE PRINCIPAL???"

After the initial shock of that wore off, we settled down and read the article more closely. The new school system was interesting and probably another revolutionary idea of Mr Lee's and while catered for students, I can probably see a few other students who did not do as well grumbling about "unfair procedures" and "unorthodox systems". But hey, if it works, it works, and it most definitely succeeded.

The strange thing is, other than that outburst, I didn't really feel much about my "mother school". Guess my memories there haven't been all that clear.

Hm.

-----------------------------------------------

There, a post. Hahas. I'm fast running out of what to write, so I better end off here. It's been a pretty long post anyways. LoL.

Oh. I wanna watch Ponyo on the Cliff by the Sea! 8 Days actually gave it 4.5 stars, and I wanna see what kind of show it is that can make a stingy critic like 8 Days give such a high rating. LoL.
And no, it's not because someone watched it.

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

Pris: Hahas don't wanna. Getting way too old!

terr: Wow that was random. I agree with that, but if you do it all with them then they treat you like one of them and not a sergeant. Thanks for the advice though. =D

griffie: -_- Ah?

angelays: Haha I take it you watched it too. Yeah I haven't seen you here since ages ago. Hahs.

Tim: LOL. Hey they were out for my blood!

m89: Hahah I only played it once. Damn fun!

~Let's leave behind the empty longing ~ Just for a while.~

Blitz 452 - Yes Man

2009-01-03T22:54:00.002+08:00

Blitz 452 - Yes Man
What if you had to say yes to everything?

Went out with a Chris Xin Chu and Howard today, better type this down before I forget this all.

In a nut shell, it was a pretty much enjoyable day. I woke at 9:30 and dawdled till 10:22 before I left the house, resulting in my having to rush for the bus and the train and the route to our meeting point and still arriving a couple minutes late. Surprisingly (or maybe not so surprisingly), I arrived second out of four places. Hm. New year resolution: Punctuality.

Anyway. Entered the cinema in Plaza Singapura to watch Yes Man, a Jim Carrey film. 8 Days gave this show a 2.5 star rating if I'm not wrong, and didn't exactly paint a very good image of it. But it's Jim Carrey, so I decided I'd give it a try. And 8 Days is pretty much wrong on the 2.5 star rating.

Storyline wise, it was much like one of Jim Carrey's previous shows, Liar Liar, in which Jim Carrey, starring as Fletcher Reede, who is an attorney who is ultimately dishonest and lies about nearly everything, even to his own children. His son makes a wish that he cannot lie for a single day, and that's what happens to Reede.

In Yes Man, Jim Carrey stars as a man named Carl, who is negative about life and everything around him. Some events happen and Carl adopts the Yes culture where he says Yes to everything and anything that comes his way. There are of course complications when that happens, and issues follow.

The storyline was strangely nostalgic, reminding me of Liar Liar, but in a refreshing new look. Although, one must admit that some events were just too lucky to be true, and others just don't happen, even if you DID adopt an absolute Yes policy.

The problem wasn't that epic in proportion, I was expecting things to be blown way out and cause the guy to enter an even deeper state of depression, but it just stopped at a torn and broken relationship. I can relate to that though, so I kind of liked it that way. I think it would be better if bigger problems came along though.

Humour wise it was expected of Jim Carrey, and he played the role of the funny guy well, even though he is getting up in years there. The film's humour cannot be missed and although it doesn't exactly leave you roaring in laughter, a smile is probably going to be plastered on your face throughout over three-quarters of the movie.

The soundtrack wasn't as good though, the tune wasn't catchy and there was nothing to remember it by except flimsy lyrics and a mediocre vocal.

All in all, Yes Man is a show that didn't deserve its 2.5 star rating from 8 Days and ought to be given higher, for the humour if for nothing else.

Wakka02's rating: 3.5 stars out of 5 (Worth watching)

--------------------------------------------------

After the movie ended the four of us had lunch at Pastamania, and then decided to pop by Paradiz Centre for some LAN gaming. We played Left For Dead, a first-person-shooter based game where you're a band of four survivors trying to battle for survival in a zombie infested town. The blood and gore are disturbing at first, but then in time the severed body parts of the zombies and the startling appearances of the undead will begin to lose its shocking appeal and you can concentrate on shooting them into bloody pulps better.

For an FPS, the game was very engaging in that the odds seem impossible - four people against thousands of lumbering undead. Teamwork is an essential in the game because Hunter and Smoker zombies will either pounce unto a character or stretch out an impossibly long tongue to ensnare a player out of the blue and team mates will have to quickly save the person, or he's a dead man (or lady, in Zoey's case).

Throughout the five hours we sat in front of the computer screens, we were shouting at each other for Medic Packs for health, yelling at each other "Hunter, Hunter!!" or "Smoker damn it!" when we were caught, crying out "TANK! TANK!" when the large lumbering zombie appeared or laughing out loud and cat-calling when we finally beat the stage.

I can't even remember the last time I had so much fun. It's not the game, it's the people.

--------------------------------------------------

And, well.

I'm still a bit upset. But that's mostly fixed now.

Sorry ya.

Been a little stupid lately.

Blinded by fear and loneliness.

Now, I can turn my attention to other things.

Will you help?

--------------------------------------------------

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

Pris: Oops. Forgot about that. Oh well. Hahas.

qngwen: Heya, happy new 2009 to you too ya.

crys: ....? Huh?

mel: Hahas. *Breathes in deep* Thanks ya. I thought you might understand... Hahas.

~Still a little ~ Teary ~ Just a little.~

2009-01-02T20:29:00.005+08:00

Happy belated New Year to one and all.

Blitz 451 - Farewell, Goodbye

2009-01-02T02:15:00.002+08:00

Blitz 451 - Farewell, Goodbye
Everything we've said so far

Walking in circles around the past
Meeting so many people along the way
Finding them
Losing them
Growing more alone with each passing day

How, from where I began
Did I end up right where I started
From a solitary road to a road of friends
And then from there, unknowingly we parted

My footsteps walked down a straight real road
Yet strayed off to an ethereal path
I never knew what lay before me
Never knew it would be my past

I left my spot and walked on straight
Hoping to find brightness on the way
Yet why is it that the tomorrow I've found
Looks so much like yesterday

How, from where I began
Did I end up right where I started
From a solitary road to a road of friends
And then from there, unknowingly we parted..

A poem I wrote a very long time ago.

Cruel, but reality it is.

You of all people should know where to find this.

~Blitzed off by Wakka02~

Random Blitz - Random Meeting

2008-12-31T21:18:00.002+08:00

Random Blitz - Random Meeting
Surprise, surprise

Okay I've been instructed to say this so here goes.

What I've been told to say:

It was a bright and sunny day. I spent my day talking to Priscilla and Yi Xuan. In fact it was my last few hours of 2008 and they were fruitfully spent talking to both of them. They asked me several important questions, things of such import that it was set to change the courses of their lives forever. It was such a wonderful experience talking to them.

(Insert: =)) x many many)

What actually happened:

I received a call around 9PM at night and Priscilla told me she was outside my house. Surprised, I went down and unlocked the door and gate to see her and Yi Xuan standing some ways down the road. They were engaged in a very... interesting (for lack of a kinder word) activity which conveniently carried them past my house so they dropped by for a visit. They asked a question about how to do the Power Shot in Wii Sports: Tennis, and then we chatted for a while before they went home.

Kind of surprised at the things they do, but then again coming from Priscilla, not that surprising. Hahs. Well, that's it for that. Thanks to Yi Xuan and Priscilla for the random and sudden pop-by, it certainly added a little variety to tonight.

Might post my main Blitz later tonight, if not tomorrow. Tired of the thoughts right now, and I shan't turn this inane but refreshing Blitz into an emo one.

Happy New Year everyone!

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

m89: Yeah you were. LoL. Merry Christmas to you too, and a Happy New Year ya.

mel: Hahs.. I hope they don't. Really, really.

~Blitzed off by Wakka02~

Random Blitz - Breaking Apart Her Heart

2008-12-28T16:20:00.003+08:00

Random Blitz - Break Apart Her Heart
The only way to keep somebody in your hand

Break Apart Her Heart

Good Charlotte

When you call she doesn't answer

when you write she doesn't answer

You go out you see him with her

she told you she was sick at home

The ring you gave her

thrown away with all the letters

And when you see him with her

she doesn't even care at all

And she follows him around like you follow her around

And she doesn't even care when you figure it out

The only way your gonna keep somebody around

Well I'm about to let you know

There's something I don't wanna understand

The only way a woman's gonna want a man

The only way you'll ever keep her in your hands

Is breaking apart her heart

Don't tell her she's the reason that you live

Don't give her everything that you got to give

If you want to keep the girl for as long as you live

Just breakin' apart her heart

Can't you see the way she's crying

Well that's what keeps her trying

she knew that she could have you

And he don't give her what she wants

There's truth about this

you say you want to be noticed

Well if you want to be noticed

you gotta learn to break some hearts

Don't try to understand

There's something I don't wanna understand

The only way a woman is gonna want a man

The only way you'll ever keep her in your hands

Is breaking apart her heart

Don't tell her she is the reason that you live

Don't give her everything that you got to give

If you want to keep the girl for as long as you live

Just breakin' apart her heart

Can't you see what you've done?

What I've become, what I've become

Can't you see?

I don't understand this cruelty

I don't understand but now I see

There's something I don't wanna understand

The only way a woman is gonna want a man

The only way you'll ever keep her in your hands

Is breaking apart her heart

Don't tell her she is the reason that you live

Don't give her everything that you got to give

If you want to keep the girl for as long as you live

Just breakin' apart her heart

I don't understand this cruelty

I don't understand... its just not me

I don't understand this cruelty

But now I see

I didn't want to like this song, I still don't like this song, and I don't think I'll ever like this song.

Everyone's proving me right.

~All good things have to come to and end. ~ Let's see if anyone notices this ya.~

Blitz 450 - Emotional

2008-12-26T15:06:00.008+08:00

Blitz 450 - Emotional
I wonder why a little train meant so much.

Things haven't been going well at all lately. Been getting upset time and time again and even though it's Christmas I don't feel the festive cheer at all, instead feeling the depressing gloom that has settled over my head and refuses to leave.

I have so many things weighing on my mind.

I don't know if it's me or just bad luck. Everything I touch seems to turn sour, everything I try seems to turn into stone. Been having to quell various fires in camp lately and the fire-fighting process hasn't been going all that well. I seem to be only able to suppress some and others are spiralling wildly out of my control.

Looks like I fail this particular test, huh?

----------------------------------------------

You know the one-way mirror theory? The kind of glass where you can only see one way, and that's the side where the light shines strongest? I'm beginning to think that my egg shell is made up of that kind of glass. I can see others and others can't see me. I don't know, I guess I could break the glass. But it gets thicker by the day, hour, minute.

Such glass can, actually, allow one to see another from the bright side into the dark. But it's hard and you really have to squint through the glass to see it. The thicker the glass, the harder it is. Someday you won't see me at all.

-----------------------------------------------

You should know where to find this.

-----------------------------------------------

I wonder if one day, just one little, small day, I can live with a smile on my face for the whole day, and don't feel so upset over everything.

Sigh.

-----------------------------------------------

On My Own

Eponine, Les Miserables

And now I'm all alone again

Nowhere to turn, no one to go to

Without a home, without a friend,

Without a face to say hello to

But now the night is near

And I can make believe he's here

Sometimes I walk alone at night

When everybody else is sleeping

I think of him and then I'm happy

With the company I'm keeping

The city goes to bed

And I can live inside my head

On my own

Pretending he's beside me

All aloneI walk with him 'til morning

Without him, I feel his arms around me

And when I lose my way, I close my eyes and he has found me

In the rain

The pavement shines like silver

All the lights

Are misty in the river

In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight

And all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind

That I'm talking to myself and not to him

And although I know that he is blind

Still I say there's a way for us

I love him

But when the night is over

He is gone

The river's just a river

Without him, the world around me changes

The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers

I love him

But every day I'm learning

All my life I've only been pretending

Without me, his world will go on turning

A world that's full of happiness that I have never known

I love him

I love him...

But only on my own

Needless to say, I sing this song a little differently from the actual lyrics... But still.

Ouch..

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Blitzes to your Blitzes:

~hinho~: Yeah. I totally agree man. Hahas.. Being a Sergeant isn't easy..

~Bleeding inside, my heart pounding in pain~

Blitz 449 - Heart Connections

2008-12-18T19:09:00.004+08:00

Blitz 449 - Heart Connections
How much longer till the emptiness overwhelms

When you can't find someone to connect to, how long does it take before you collapse?

Right now everything around me is so empty.

Nothing does stay the same.

There's a lot of people around me. Yet.

Yet.

When I can't move, can't walk, will anyone be around to pick me up?

When I can't speak, can't talk, will people come and make me laugh, smile?

When I can't dream, can't relate, will someone move close and help me find my way?

When I can't think, can't see, will there be a person to offer me a helping hand?

Becauuse it seems that everyone leaves after some time.

Everyone leaves after some time.

No one stays around forever. No one tries. I gave that up long ago.

People come and go, come and go, come and go, come and go.

Light shining only shows you how empty the room is.

Like I'm just a stage in life that you go through.

I guess everyone feels that way.

When I'm holding myself together, I'm already bursting apart at the seams.

It's strange. It's saddening. After so many years, that I should come to hate this place.

After all, it's so alien now. Home is somewhere you know, isn't it?

Isn't it?

How come all these negative thoughts have to be running through my brain, my heart at the same time?

There are so many things I have to think about.

It's just so.

Urgh.

If only, if only.

But there's no point playing the if-only game.

No one's gonna hear it anyway.

And even if they did. Brief illumination will only make the darkness all that much hurtful.

Better the eternal blackness.

Yeah.

Feels like when I sigh, it's just the echo bouncing back at me.

Sigh.

Did you bother in the end?

Because it sure seems the other way round.

Gods, I need a pick-me-up.

Is it that easy to keep everyone away? One message, a few words, is it?

Well.

Leave me be, then.

Whining, whining, whining. I'm aware of it.

I don't blame you for getting tired of it. All that constant whining.

Hell. I get irritated at myself. What's to stop you from feeling the same?

Tch.

It's just. So many things.

Emptiness. Seperation. And all the while knowing that whatever I do, I do it wrong.

If not how else can I explain all the things that've happened these few days?

I do something, people say I shouldn't have. I don't do something, people say I should have.

I make a remark, people take offense at it. I don't make a remark, people take offense at that anyway.

I think I'm just an extra commodity.

I'm just extra.

So just leave me alone.

Lead your own lives and give me mine to live or to rip in peace.

Urgh.

Another example of a mis-made remark.

I just don't know how to express myself sometimes.

Damn it all.

It's time I left.

~I'd rather you not hear my tears~

Blitz 448 - Failure

2008-12-17T21:49:00.002+08:00

Blitz 448 - Failure
Must it follow me, everywhere I go?

Well. Back temporarily from two weeks worth of confinement. Or rather one week.

Life as a 3SG with recruits under you, especially green ones, is expectedly busy. I'm running around frantically for hours on end settling things, doing things, and typing away because I'm the adminstrations specialist for my platoon. My poor section has endured all this by staying up till 2200 with me when I'm trying to explain LBV layouts, Cheetah house rules and various odds and ends that needed to be tied down.

So far my section has been encouraging. They're on the most part cooperative and willing to work, but the sad thing is that there's one guy who refuses to cooperate and another who is pretty blur. I can't fault the blur guy but I'm going to have to do something about the former soon.

There's not much else to be said about my section actually.

Then there's my platoon. Again, there are people who I'll be happy to have as my section members and more than that, and there are some which just make me want to shout at them inside out because of various factors, mainly laziness and selfishness.

But enough about that. I didn't start blogging to turn this into a complaint session.

One interesting thing to note is that in the process of teaching my recruits and leading them around, shouting various profanities and commands and alternating between the two, I've somehow managed to lose my voice. It's not serious and should recover in a day or two, but it's bad enough.

Tch.

--------------------------------------------

Maybe I'm just not cut out for this job.

I thought I was doing what I needed to do, and what I could.

I tried my best, and gave everything I could.

And still I'm wrong.

Why are the results I achieve so different from what I expect?

Perhaps I'm just not suited for this kind of thing.

Failure. Again.

Why must I fail at everything I do?

Sigh..

--------------------------------------------

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

m89: Hope it's not too cramped there.. How's everything?

pris: Hahas.. Sure. Will do!

Stella: Hahas not quite.. Althought I'm sure you're busy watching your Gossip girl. Hahs.

David Santos: Er... Sorry.. But I don't think I know you.

qngwen: Wow long time no talk. Hahas..

xC: Ah. I see. Another silent reader eh. Hahas..

~Exclusion~

Blitz 447 - Echoing

2008-12-08T18:56:00.002+08:00

Blitz 447 - Echoing
So empty

So here I am blogging in my parents' room. Wanted to do so back in my own room but it was just too hard. I looked around and I could only see white walls, bare tables, empty shelves and nothing else. Everything was packed in boxes outside my room and when I thought about how my room was like just a week ago...

Well.

I didn't speak out loud, didn't turn on the music, didn't attempt to sing at all, because I could hear it echoing, echoing around the room, any sound I made at all. It made the stark emptiness.. worse. It was that bad.

Went down to breakfast on Saturday and...

Well.

Shan't elaborate no more. I might cry in front of my parents. And then they'd think something was wrong with me. I just don't cry. Period.

-----------------------------------------------

Here's a few messages to a few friends. It's sad but I feel I really need to say it so here goes.

I wonder how many friends I'll have left after this post?

-----------------------------------------------

I never knew you actually read this blog anymore. You didn't exactly show it and there wasn't any sign of you coming or going. I'm touched that you remember me and think of me and show concern for me after all this time.

But the time for that is over. I won't blame you wholly for breaking this friendship we once shared because it wasn't totally your fault. There was a mix of mine in the share of blame as well as other occurances and external factors, I guess.

I won't, can't forgive myself for failing that test so many months ago, neither can I forget how you managed to fail yours. We won but we lost, that week.

We can go on being friends, I don't begrudge that much. And friends ought to care for each other just as you have. I just don't think we can be close ones, not anymore. There are too many things and events to forgive and forget.

...You should know who you are.

I'm sorry.

-----------------------------------------------

I know you'll read this, so to you. Well.

Sometimes it's just too hard to talk to you. I mean, it's comforting that I know you're there and it's nice to know that you trust me so much that you confide nearly everything in me, even the things you don't dare to tell her. In a sense I feel that I'm closer to you than anyone else is and that's a warmth in itself.

But then there are times when there's something blocking the words from my own mouth and keeps them from coming out. Because of who you are to her, who you are to me, and who you are exactly. I know these terms have come out a lot of times but still.

...Owell.

I don't dare to say things to you that might affect us, don't dare to say things to you that might affect her, don't dare to say things to you that might affect you.

Sighs.

I'm sorry, too.

-----------------------------------------------

I know you probably won't read this so I don't know why I'm wasting time typing this, but I guess I'll keep the memories for me to read in the future. Who knows but you might see this?

I think that you're a fine guy growing up to be someone who will be responsible and filial and all in all a wonderful person. But I can't help but feel the pinch when I see how far away you are. We used to know each other inside out and now we're strangers.

We see each other really very often. Weekly basis, as a matter of fact. When everyone is there it feels like nothing's changed, but we all know there's a difference there now. It's saddening. But I guess it's a test both of us failed, as well.

I'm sorry, to you too.

-----------------------------------------------

...Well.

I can't say anything about it.

I just wish y-u all the best.

Really....

-----------------------------------------------

Was reading this manga over the weekend last week. It's a pretty old one called Video Girl Ai, and is a little on the ecchi side but that's not the main point. It's a story of a boy and various loves, and he has a really hard time seperating one from another. He started out as a really neat guy but near the end of the story he got to become the kind of person I would really dislike. Not exactly hate but I'd dislike him. A lot.

Anyway. There were times in the story that really touched me, and there was one point which really moved me. Not exactly to tears, but yeah. You get the point. If you want to read it, visit either www.onemanga.com or www.mangafox.com and look it up. It's worth the time if you're into love stories, but not if you're after something with more action, in which case you should be playing DotA and not reading books. Hahas.

-----------------------------------------------

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

Jeremyyy: Hahas to you you might not have changed, but to me you did. Maybe it's just too long of not seeing each other. See you around!

Gerald: Nope no more overseas trips for me. Hahas. Good luck in Guards!!

crys: I couldn't agree more. Hahs. But that's not the point is it?

~Long time no see ~ How are you?~

Random Blitz - I'll Need You

2008-12-04T20:06:00.005+08:00

Random Blitz - I'll Need You
But as usual.

When I cry, always seems to be there.

I was really kind of surprised. The result would have been the same regardless, but still, I can't help hoping.

I thought. But as usual, I assumed too much.

Another failed test.

This time will probably be very trying for me. I'll need you to be there, you, you, you, you, you and you. But I won't be surprised if would be there for me. It's the norm already.

No, not surprising at all.

I choose not to blame anyone, anything.

Yup. That's all for today.

~Blitzed off by Wakka02~

Random Blitz - 无话可说

2008-11-30T21:29:00.001+08:00

Random Blitz - Stay the same
But yet so different.

It was so long since the last talk. It felt the same, yet different at the same time.

I don't know how to describe it.

I was happy at the status quo, sad at the change. I could hear but I couldn't talk.

I guess I'm too used to the bleakness again.

The egg shell is back, reformed, and thicker than ever.

I'm sorry.

~Blitzed off by Wakka02~

Blitz 447 - Homeleaving

2008-11-29T16:48:00.003+08:00

Blitz 447 - Homeleaving
I miss you already

COS duty came to a close when I left the office to change into my civilian clothing this morning. Being COS reminded me a lot of being CDT back in SISPEC Delta, which in turn brought me back to the old days back in SISPEC, which brought along with it memories of my old days back when I was still a recruit, a private, a corporal.

I've come a long, long way from those times, and it seems like eternity since I saw everyone last. Well, with the exception of Jeremy, but even he's changed a lot. No longer naive, innocent, cute, huh boy? Hahs.

Well. Enough about army.

-----------------------------------------------------

From the title it makes it look like I'm going to leave my home for an extended stay or something, but no, that's not the case. I'm not the one leaving, my family is. I've mentioned this before, that my extended family is going to leave my house and move to our old house back in Hougang Avenue 7, but I guess it always did seem like a surreal reality. The day never seemed to come, or approach closer at all. Everything was just... the status quo, each time I came back home.

Now I come home, and suddenly the downstairs floor is so, so empty, so devoid of life. The halls seem hollow and laughter no longer echoes around the walls. Even the sounds of the kids playing, crying, shouting, screaming, generally making a racket and nuisance of themselves.

I discovered that they're all moving out, next week. Exactly seven days from now I'm going to come home to an empty household with no one to wait up for me, no one to know I'm coming back, no one to prepare my breakfasts for me, no one to fuss over me when something's wrong, no one...

Strange. I cry now, when I've known it long before today. But I couldn't, can't stop the tears.

It's not like it's a life or death parting. It's not like I'm never going to see them again. It's not like it's the last meeting I'll have with them. But I just.

I've lived with them for so long, so long, that I don't know what it'll be like living without them under the same roof. What if relations grow sour in time? What if, like everyone else, a rift, a gap opens between us and the hole just yawns wider, larger, deeper with each year, month, day? What if?

No use asking all the questions of "what if" now. The change is irrevocable. Contractor's coming two weeks later to renovate the whole house. I'll be away in camp when that happens. And I'll return to a strange house with strange furniture and a strange room, with no one to greet me when I open the door. It just won't be.. home anymore.

What I regret is that I've never spent more time with my family, never been around them more. I've always whisked myself away to my room all the time. When was the last time I gave my grandmother a massage, taught my younger cousins to do their schoolwork, played with my two cousins of the same age, helped my aunts run an errand? I can't remember. It was so long ago, so so long ago...

Seven more days.

-----------------------------------------------------

Jeremyyy: Wow this is a rare visitor.. Yeah but don't worry. ATI is kinda slack.. Hahas. Good luck..

m89: Yo. Unlock your blog leh. LoL.

Pris: Hahas.. I got sick of it long before you did.. Lol..

Stella: Hahs. I'm online now. Congrats, now go play till you drop ya. Hahs.

crys: ...That's not an animal name...

~My fault I didn't do anything? ~ I don't know~

Blitz 446 - Failing

2008-11-21T21:51:00.002+08:00

Blitz 446 - Failing

My place of respite.. gone

How many tests have I failed so far?

There are so many, I've lost count...

--------------------------------------------------------

I was posted to 46 SAR slightly over one month ago, sub-divided into Cheetah Company, Platoon 8 Section 3 along with Bing Qian just over two weeks ago. And it's.. depressing there.

There's a kind of.. isolation that's happening to me, where I am now. There's no more.. feeling of belonging. To me, to them, I'm just the guy playing either his DS or PSP in the corner, no one feels like talking to me. Hell, I sleep in the corner with one empty bed to both sides of me. It's not that I chose to isolate myself, it's not that they chose to ostracize me. It's just that I chose first, and they filed in after, and decided to sleep in adjacent beds.

It's hard, to find back the feeling of belonging I felt back in ATI. I'm not.. ostracized, like I said. I'm.. isolated. I'm repeating the two words over and over again, but it's really the truth about the fact. And everyone else has already found their own worlds to be in.

It's the fly outside the lightbulb all over again. Battering against the glass and the light knows I'm there by the shadows I cast over them, but that's the extent of acknowledgement. It's kind of sad.

Hell. Who am I kidding with the 'kind of'?

It seemed so long ago when we once shared the same bunks, and now we're just so.. far away. Maybe we began to drift even before we came to 46 SAR, but it's like.

I don't know.

I don't know how I'm going to stand it, if there's going to be a wall around me for the next year.

--------------------------------------------------------

And I tried to break the wall.

It's dark in here. Dark and frightening.

I know sources of light are there. But I shut the window on it on purpose, pulled the curtains and fastened them tight.

Because after all. The lights have their own things to do, to maintain their shining glow.

And with all of them busy trying to keep up the brightness, I don't think it's fair for me to open the window, because that would mean the lights would have to stretch even further and tighter than they already were.

So the shutters are closed, the panes are locked and the curtains sealed over them.

I'm missing them, more than ever.

Meanwhile I'll sit here in the darkness.

--------------------------------------------------------

Okay that's it for the sulking corner. Will sound like a spoilt brat if I continued that line of thought so I'll keep the rest of it inside. Hahas.

See you around.

--------------------------------------------------------

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

roy: Hahas welcome back! I don't envy you though, three weeks of rehearsal is.. Ew. Hahah.

hz: Hahas yeah. At least she used to. I like her better when she first came out.

Stella: Hahs. Depends on which 'her' you're referring to, doesn't it? Yeah I knew you would.. Hahs. Hang in there, jiayou!

~Wings signify freedom, to those who have none~

Random Blitz - Secrets

2008-11-16T20:18:00.002+08:00

Random Blitz - Secrets
Apologies

You should know where to find this.

~Blitzed off by Wakka02~

Random Blitz - Everytime

2008-11-16T01:16:00.008+08:00

Random Blitz - Everytime
Without my wings, I feel so small

Everytime
Britney Spears

~~Notice me~~
Take my hand
Why are we
Strangers when
Our love is strong
~~Why carry on without me?~~

Everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need y-u baby
And everytime I see y-u in my dreams
I see y-ur face, it's haunting me
I guess I need y-u baby

I make believe
That y-u are here
It's the only way
I see clear
What have I done
Y-u seem to move on easy

And everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need y-u baby
And everytime I see y-u in my dreams
I see y-ur face, y-u're haunting me
I guess I need y-u baby

I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused y-u pain
And this song is my sorry
Ohhhh

At night I pray
That soon y-ur face
Will fade away

And everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need y-u baby
And everytime I see y-u in my dreams
I see y-ur face, y-u're haunting me
I guess I need y-u baby

=(((

Click on the title to hear the song...

------------------------------------------------

When the bleak darkness gets too dark to bear, sometimes it's easier to just let go and be swallowed by the shadows, instead of waiting for something that can't happen, someone that can't come, some miracle that can't occur.

Sighs.

------------------------------------------------

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

Stella: Haha don't need so extreme bah. LoL. If you can remember all your uni facts I'm sure you can remember what you want to say. Hahas..

mel: Ohhh I see. LoL. Yup that's me.. A few days more! Jiayou!

~Blitzed off by Wakka02~

Blitz 445 - Testing

2008-11-09T15:53:00.003+08:00

Blitz 445 - Testing
And it seems like I'm failing everything... Or rather, everyone

Okay got quite a few things to blog about myself for a change, although none of it good. Hahas. Don't like, don't read. Thanks.

-------------------------------------------------------

Went out with Kim yesterday to celebrate our 11/11, even though it was 08/11 (I'll be in camp on Tuesday). Why 11/11 is another story which doesn't really make sense now that I think about it, and I won't go into the details here.

Anyway, went to City Hall to eat some Japanese place that, according to her, operates just like Marché, wherever or whatever that is. Hahas. Also according to her the food there isn't exactly cheap, but when we came out of the place it was one of the cheapest meals we've eaten.. But that's beside the point.

Went around shopping (URGH!) for a bag to replace the one that's broken, and also a couple of gifts. Seemed to me that we were talking for less than usual but hey, uni and army life tends to do that to a person. That aside, it was an enjoyable day, as outings with Kim are never boring and pretty fun to be around.

-------------------------------------------------------

Okay here's the not-so-positive stuff.

I find that I'm a very difficult person to be around. It's something that I don't know for SURE because I've never asked people about it, but if I were someone else I'd find it extremely difficult to be around me too.

It's difficult to explain, but I discovered that I test people a lot. It didn't start out that way; it first began as little hints and urges to get people to do or say what I wanted them to - something I'm sure a lot of people do, only subconscioiusly - but it began to develop into a small way of testing people's reactions, see what they said, remembered, thought. Then it grew into a way of talking itself, dropping cryptic little sentences to see if people could decipher the meanings behind it and never coming right out to say what I want to say. I'm sure Stella knows what I'm talking about, hahs.

The point is,I'm constantly testing people and myself, how much they know me, how much I know them, and other things that could seriously affect the friendships I've made. With every test passed I think of another one, with every test failed another brick falls into place in a wall. It's like I'm deliberately pushing people away. It must be really stressful talking to me, because I almost never come right out to say things, especially when it's concerning me.

Now I know why I got so closed up. I only have myself to blame, I guess.

Hahs.

Stupidity.

-------------------------------------------------------

And it was another test we failed
A test I'm most afraid of failing
A person whom stood by me for so long
Someone who could have been everything

And it was another test we failed
A test which was, perhaps, failing
A person whose life was just as mine
'Twas never mine for the keeping

And it was another test we failed
A test which had long been failing
A person whose life was once as mine
And now the links are all but fading

And it was another test I failed
A test which I had always been failing
A person whose life was never mine
And never, ever have I been trying

And it was another test
We failed

... See what I mean?

-------------------------------------------------------

Melancholy mood today.

Sighs.

Stupid me.

-------------------------------------------------------

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

mel: What's SKW? Yeah I heard that too.. Hang in there!!

terr: Er.. I AM a sergeant in the SAF... And you'd understand what I meant if you were in my position yeah. Hahas.

~Tester or testee ~ It doesn't matter ~ I fail both ways.~

Random Blitz - Song and Poetry

2008-11-02T20:48:00.002+08:00

Random Blitz - Song
Leave it, just leave it

Have You Ever - Brandy

Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right

Have you ever, have you ever

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand

Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything
To make them feel the same

Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start

Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right

Have you ever, have you ever
Ooh

Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all of your life
You'd do just about anything to look into their eyes

Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care

Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry (makes you wanna break down and cry)
Have you ever needed something so bad (so bad)
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world
'Cuz baby I can't sleep

Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right

Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right

Have you ever
Have you ever, ever, ever
Have you ever...

Yes, damn it.. I have..
-----------------------------------------------

Give me strength to do what I should, please...

~Blitzed off by Wakka02~

Blitz 444 - Ripping Me Inside

2008-11-01T19:07:00.002+08:00

Blitz 444 - Ripping Me Inside
Demotion

So I'm back again on a Saturday night to blog about my non-existent life in army. At this rate I'm going to live such a no-lifer life that I'll have to close this blog down. I'm already running out of things to blog about!

-----------------------------------------------

I've been demoted, sad to say. I've downgraded from a leaf-picking Specialist to a grass-plucker-cum-drain-digger Specialist.

Yesterday afternoon we were having our Signals refresher course at the vehicle shed, which ended pretty early compared to other lessons, and one which I totally didn't pay attention to because in my section I'm probably the only one who knows the signal set inside out anyway. I've been signals IC too long, damn it.

After the lesson we were packing up and ready to go back to bunk when suddenly instructions passed down from Sergeant Major, Atilla Company. We were to clean the vehicle sheds that belonged to us. And believe me, those sheds are HUGE. Using my house (note: HOUSE! Not ROOM! Damn it.) as a comparison, the vehicle sheds are easily five times its length and just as wide. That's how far a stretch we had to clean, and GODS it was dirty.

Then an hour into the cleaning (we were given five brooms and three dustpans) and the vehicle shed was beginning to recover some semblence of cleanliness again, new instructions came again. We were to pluck out all the grass and plants growing in the cracks of the sidewalk, the drains, the road.. Everything. So down went the brooms and dustpans, along with all the specialists, squatting by the road trying to pluck grass. It would have been a hilarious sight, if not for the fact that I was one of them.

Fifteen minutes and half the vehicle sheds later, MORE instructions came down. This time, we were to remove all the mud and sand and what-not from the drains that ran all the way AROUND the vehicle sheds. We looked in.. and recoiled at the sight. I swear, the amount of mud in there could have easily filled one shellscrape, if not two. For those who don't know, a shellscrape is a hole in the ground dug by humans which are deep enough to conceal a person lying inside.

We dug and dug and swept and carried the mud away for the entire afternoon, before the RSM came down, commended us on our good work and allowed us to bookout. We were, of course, overjoyed when he said to pack up and go to the bunk, but it was with groans when he said that we would come back next week to carry on the task.

I WANT THE RECRUITS TO ENLIST EARLIER!!

-----------------------------------------------

A levels are starting Monday, and to some they started yesterday. I just want to wish all the J1s reading this, GOOD LUCK FOR YOUR PAPERS!

-----------------------------------------------

...There was a time, when you would have willingly told me. But I guess those times are over. I'm sorry.

-----------------------------------------------

Why does this feeling come back again and again?

=(((

I won't cry...

-----------------------------------------------

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

Stella: Nooooo I hate pink!

hz: Haha I think because it's cheap that's why. LoL. Really? Why?? =( Tell me when it's back up 'kay!

MABEL: Hello! You should be more around your schoolwork! Hahas.

crys: LoL. SINCE WHEN SIA? How come I don't know one. Hahah.

mel: Haha how to save you sia. It'll all be over soon!! JIAYOU!!

~This feeling ~ Tearing me apart~

Blitz 443 - Induction

2008-10-25T20:16:00.002+08:00

Blitz 443 - Induction
Now I'm finally a commander

Had my induction program on Wednesday, in which we were formally "welcomed" into 46 SAR. From what they say, everyone goes through this, right down to the men and all the way to the officers. Here's a thought: Does the CO go through it too, when they change command?

Anyway. Induction program was none too easy, in fact it was pretty much hell in an afternoon. When the bell rang we ran down as fast as we could, and then we proceeded to go through a series of events which can only be described as a nightmare. I actually remember everything through a blue dreamlike haze, all the memories clouded and blurry, and I can't remember what I was thinking at the time, only what I did. Goes to show how tiring it was.

When induction ended at six thirty in the evening, we rushed up, changed and attended Happy Hour, the celebration part of the program. The HQ Sergeant Major indented one THOUSAND cans of Tiger beer - read, THOUSAND - for eighty-odd people to drink, he must have been insane. In the end so few people drank the beer there were still hundreds of cans left over, so for the games they played purely drinking games, such as who could finish three cans of beer the fastest or who could drink the most in a minute. Even the normal games such as 终极密码 has beer as penalties. What they didn't expect, I think, was that most of the new commanders couldn't drink much, and when they tried to force all that liquor onto us a lot puked. One guy got a hangover thirty minutes after the three cans game, ouch.

Other than that, this week was more or less boring and there's nothing much else I did in NS.

------------------------------------------------------

Those whom I talk to at late nights online will have noted my curious absence from the Internet yesterday night - or rather early this morning. That's because I was staying over at Chris' house last night, with a pathetic handful of people because poor Xin Chu got confined for the weeked, ouch. BBQ-ed and talked a lot of crap (mostly NS stuff, sad to say, as guys usually do when they get together) during BBQ-ing, played a bit of computer and played board games throughout the night.

It's reassuring to know that after years of knowing each other, we still are willing to get together to do overnight stays and hang out together. Most of my other friends have already stopped doing that and I'm happy to know that there's one band of friends that I can count on to stay together still.

There's Zheng Kai, undisputed Herd Leader of the pack;
Chris, the Black Guard;
Xin Chu the bug;
Jia Xin a.k.a. God;
Timothy, the zombie;
Howard, the.. guest animal?

There used to be Douglas, or also known as 大姐大, but he seems to have disappeared...

It's curious to note that while everyone else has a nickname or another, neither me nor Howard has one. Howard I can understand; he joined later during our JC days and we'd outgrown the tendency to give each other names by then, but curiously I don't have one and I was one of the founding members of the Herd. Hm.

Anyway. It's heartwarming to know that throughout everything, all the years and months and days that have passed, we still can talk so much together, do so many things together, and just have fun together. I'm blessed, truly.

=)

------------------------------------------------------

A bit more to the negative side now... Hm.

Sometimes, I sound so self-pitying that I can hardly stand myself. Or rather, I think so self-pityingly that I disgust myself. It's always me failing or me having no friends that understand me as well as I want them to and when I pull back and think about it, I'm so wrong and it's all just a lie.

I have friends. Close ones, too. Some, anyway. And while they might not "understand me as well as I want them to", that's my fault in that I never chose to reveal all that was me to them.

There, again. Blaming myself for things that's normal. Stupidity. But I can't deny the truth about that statement.

I'm just a little scared. I don't like myself because I hide too many ugly things. And there's a lot. So I look like a good guy but actually I'm not.

Okay I'm contradicting myself. Or proving myself to be even more disgustingly self-pitying.

Let's end this line of thought for now. Keep it back into the bottle.

I just can't seem to talk about myself. Sorry..

Seems like it's a step I'm never gonna take.

------------------------------------------------------

... And when you left. I felt so alone.

You should know who you are.

------------------------------------------------------

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

hz: Hahaha exactly. NS is just too boring!

mel: That's because my test was too difficult can. LoL.

Pris: Haha I know, I went through the same thing last year too. JIAYOU!

~Black and unreadable~

Blitz 442 - Leaf Picking

2008-10-19T12:31:00.008+08:00

Blitz 442 - Leaf Picking
Can't we just burn it to the ground

The past two army working days should be what sergeant life is like. At least, I hope so. Hahas. We woke up, went to breakfast, came back, and continued sleeping. How I wish that would be the case for the next few months till I ORD. Wishful thinking but hey no one says wishes can't come true. It's just a matter of probability. Hahas.

Of course there were stupid things that we did in those two days as well, such as plucking grass from the drain, and dumbest of all was picking up LEAVES. There must have been hundreds of dead leaves scattered around and we were told to pick them all up. We kept picking and picking for an hour or so and there were a lot of grumbles and complaints about how stupid the activity was, because it honestly was. Best comment was by Ivan, who had signed on as a regular:

"Lim pei sign on 捡叶子!" Which promptly cracked all of us up.

We picked leaves for the better part of an afternoon before someone evidently did a Delta war cry over at PLC and it started to rain. The activity was cancelled and we went back to sleep some more. Yay!

Other than that, life thus far at 46 SAR has been relatively slackening, and many issues such as marching to and fro has been let up on, so I guess it isn't all that bad after all. The sad thing is, once I shift to Bronco or Cheetah company, I'm going to have to area clean all over again.

Argh!!

-------------------------------------------

I'm actually starting to get lazy about blogging. Hahas. Was contemplating not blogging this weekend but then decided against it for a lack of anything better to do. But then again, there's not much there is for me to blog about now, because NS life is boring to those who aren't in it and overly talked about amongst us guys.
~Except for all the things, I dare not say~
Hmm.

-------------------------------------------

Crush
David Archuleta

I hung up the phone tonight
Something happened for the first time, deep inside
It was a rush, what a rush

'Cause the possibility
That y-u would ever feel the same way about me
It's just too much, just too much

Why do I keep running from the truth
All I ever think about is y-u
Y-u got me hypnotized, so mesmerized
And I've just got to know

Do y-u ever think when y-u're all alone
All that we can be, where this thing can go?
Am I crazy or falling in love?
Is it real or just another crush?

Do you catch a breath when I look at y-u?
Are y-u holding back like the way I do?
'Cause I'm trying, trying to walk away
But I know this crush ain't goin' away
Goin' away

Has it ever crossed y-ur mind
When we're hanging, spending time girl, are we just friends?
Is there more, is there more?

See it's a chance we've gotta take
'Cause I believe that we can make this into something that will last
Last forever, forever

Do y-u ever think when y-u're all alone
All that we can be, where this thing can go?
Am I crazy or falling in love?
Is it real or just another crush?

Do you catch a breath when I look at y-u?
Are y-u holding back like the way I do?
'Cause I'm trying, trying to walk away
But I know this crush ain't goin' away
Goin' away

Why do I keep running from the truth?
All I ever think about is y-u
Y-u got me hypnotized, so mesmerized
And I've just got to know

Do y-u ever think when y-u're all alone
All that we can be, where this thing can go?
Am I crazy or falling in love?
Is it real or just another crush?

Do y-u catch a breath when I look at y-u?
Are y-u holding back like the way I do?
'Cause I'm trying, trying to walk away
But I know this crush ain't goin' away
This crush ain't goin' away
Goin' away
Goin' away

Goin' away

I bet a lot of people have felt this song one time or another in their own ways. It's an intoxicating sweetness that fills a person, regardless of gender, a bubble of mystery and wonderings encasing the person for as long as it lasts. Sometimes the bubble pops, and others it doesn't. It all depends on the actions of a person.

Sighs.

-------------------------------------------

And.. it still hurts.

Hell.

It's hurting now.

-------------------------------------------

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

mel: Hahas.. I flunked it lahs. LoL. Oops.

Stella: Not funny still laugh till like that. LoL. No lah it's just some screwed up html. There's nothing there.

~Re-opening ~ 63rd Secret~

Blitz 441 - Foolishness

2008-10-15T17:05:00.005+08:00

Blitz 441 - Foolishness
I'm an area cleaning spec

Hello. Blogging on a Wednesday evening, I managed to tap into the NS intranet and use it for an internet. Smart aren't I?

Okay that's a lie. I'm at home now because of the retarded system that my current unit, 46 SAR has cooked up. I booked out last night, booked in at Pasir Laba Camp for CPR lesson this morning, booked out from there this afternoon, and I'm booking in tonight. Like. What the hell.

Life at 46 SAR has been screwed up so far. They gave us the overview for our training schedule for the next one year plus and it's pretty much bad. All of it. ATEC, NDP, route marches... The worst thing is the 12km route march and obstacle course next week, that's kind of crazy. Okay to most it wouldn't be but we haven't route marched for AGES, and I literally mean months and months. I've never even carried my field pack since... I don't know when.

I shifted from ATI to 46 SAR on Monday, mid-afternoon, where we were swiftly given the expectations of us commanders and the ground rules laid down for us. And we're being treated like damn recruits down here. With the absence of men and soldiers under us, it's understandable that we're meant to have lots of shit coming our way as we have to prepare for the recruits coming in two months later. But so why are sergeants asked to march around from point to point? I don't get that. Ivan has never seen his sergeants march around before and he's been in 46 SAR longer than we have.

Tuesday was spent area cleaning. The whole day was taken up by area cleaning as we mopped floors, cleaned windows, dusted off bed frames, moved furniture and scrubbed railings. This is the first time I've area cleaned till my back hurt in my NS life, and I'll still have to go through it again if I move to a seperate company.

Damn!

-------------------------------------------

Last week I wrote a post about how badly I was going to miss my friends in ATI, how I'm going to be seperated from my section, or most of them, and all those little thank-yous and good-byes to various people. Monday rolled around and I was feeling pretty sad, tearing down the BX sign that I'd pasted on the door, and I left ATI with a rather down face.

Then I entered my new bunk, and my old section was already in it.

LOL.

It's a temporary arrangement until we get posted out to our seperate companies and platoons, but until then I guess I'll be seeing more of my section 5 for the next one and a half weeks.

Lesson learned: Don't count your chickens before they hatch!

-------------------------------------------

And I'm still feeling for y-ur pain.

Why?

Stupidity...

Just forget it all.

-------------------------------------------
Blitzes to your Blitzes:

mel: Hahas from your blog seems life in school is pretty fun. Hahs. I don't dare take!

MABEL: Hahas. ROAR!

crys: LoL.. It's not turning out great. Sigh!

Stella: There I blogged. Happy? Hahas.

~And if I ~ Lose it all~

Blitz 440 - Passing Out

2008-10-09T23:17:00.001+08:00

Blitz 440 - Passing Out

Sons of armour

After hour after hour, day after day of rehearsal in the hot sweltering sun, yesterday finally arrived, and I revved my vehicle's engine for the last time.

Driving into the parade square felt different from all the rehearsals I'd had. I didn't think it would feel any different, but for once I paid attention to all the minute little details such as vehicle alignment and how best to grab my weapon so I could leap out from the driver's hatch as fast as I could.

I passed out from the Armour Training Institute, Specialist Training Wing, Bionix course yesterday evening. From the time I started Armour training all the way till now, it's been 21 weeks. Some weeks seemed insanely long, while others felt like they sped by. Within my section there were many arguments, a lot more laughter, several debates and generally smiles all around, and without knowing it, we became a section, a family.

It's been so long, and it felt like the course would never end, because I can safely say that our Armour Specialist course is one of the longest in the SAF, and it seemed like we would forever be together all the way till we ORD. Now we're all going to 46 SAR, every single one of us, and I hope that we'll continue to be a family we were.

Now that our BX course has finally written its final fullstop in its pages, there are a lot of people I want to thank, for the various things that have happened in 01/2008 BX course. Without everyone, I would never have made it through this course as well as I did.

To Zhao Wei, thank you for performing all the little things that no one else would do for me. Such as waking me up in the mornings, or accompanying me to get something from a far away place, or help carry things of your own accord, or volunteer for "community service" a lot of times.

To Kenneth, thank you for helping to integrate our section as we know it at the start. I still recall the first day, when we stepped into the bunk for the first time, and you stepped up to do the introductions. We were still section 4 then, and I think it's because of that gesture that began the glueing of us all.

To Kai Siang, thank you for being a sturdy pillar to support on. For being such a wonderful partner to argue with, for being such a great buddy.

To Joachim, thank you for being such a wonderful source of comic relief. I'm really glad we got to have to heart-to-heart talk in the auditorium - although it was a little public for my tastes - and I think that after that we were better friends than before.

To Nian, thanks for being such a great source of laughter and "OH-MY-GOD"-ness. Although there were times when I was honestly quite irritated with you, I think one really cannot stay angry or annoyed at you for too long. Thanks for being there.

To Ivan, thanks for being such a solid keystone in our section. You were the most experienced of all of us and we were really proud to have you in our section. You're not a proud guy, and that counts towards you as well. You pulled our fat out of the fire several times and it's becuase of you that our section survived much of the adversities thrown at us, not our "fighting spirit" as the creed says. Thank you!

To Zhi Kai, thank you for being such a responsible vehicle overall IC. Even though you weren't from our section, you were a great friend and one of the few who could make me jump to help out. I still remember, when we'd finished our shower and were walking back to bunk, when you came huffing up from the stairs still in your uniform and covered with sweat. Thanks for doing all the things for our course, and I think you really do deserve your silver bayonet.

There are a lot of people that I owe thanks to in Bionix course, a lot more, but those are too small and scattered to be properly phrased. In their own way, everyone in BX course has taken care of everyone else, and I feel really fortunate that we had such a great course to be in. Our drill might not exactly be top-notch, but we were the best course I've ever had.

There will be a lot of things I'm going to miss in ATI, STW. All the instructors, who patiently (some not so patiently) guided us throughout the course, teaching us all we needed to know. Warrant Ting, Staff Lee Wee Giat, Staff Ong Lip Sing, 1st Sergeant Derek...

I stood around in the bunk, surveying it again, and it seemed.. different. Everything was packed, everything else thrown away. Gone was the mess on the table, the box which Kenneth and Kai Siang doodled on, the clothes strewn everywhere. The room just seemed so... empty. It saddened me, in a way.

I guess I'll never get used to seperation.

ATI has really given me a lot of things to think about, a lot of knowledge to store and absorb, and even though I don't know whether I'll be a good section instructor as of yet, I'll do my best to lead my men in the future to the best of my abilities.

To conclude this chapter of my life, I think that this phrase is the most suitable of all.

ARMOUR, WITH PRIDE WE ROAR!

----------------------------------------------------

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

mel: Hahah okay lah you never stalk kk. Hahas. What test?? I didn't see any..

Stella: Haha.. You're welcome. Anytime yeah. ;)

MABEL: Heyy! I'm sorry about Tuesday.. I didn't see your message till pretty late. How's everything?

~When the going gets tough~

Blitz 439 - Worries

2008-10-05T11:39:00.002+08:00

Blitz 439 - Worries
Bleak futures

I'm sure a lot of people (well, those who read the papers anyway) reading this will know about what the Straits Times has termed as the "Wall Street nightmare". Those who do will know that this is an economic scare turned real, as many financial institutions collapse in the US, even more recessed and those remaining experiencing pay cuts mounting to nearly half their original salaries, possibly more. And while this is happening to the US, economy giant of the world, it brings many along with it. The headlines of newspapers rarely seem to be far from the economic regression.

And while this is going on, other pieces of bad news are circulating as well. The China milk scare, for example, and the war against terrorism, another. The UK edition of the Sunday Times has an article titled "War against terrorism cannot be won, says army chief". Not exactly inspiring.

Whenever I read all these articles, I cannot help but wonder if the world as we know it is about to crash and burn. If the US economy collapses, the resounding crash will emanate throughout the globe. Of course, not having actually studied this matter, I don't know the whole of it, but it's enough to worry me already. Will there be a future to work for, a future to secure for our children, and the generation after that?

And it amazes me, that while everywhere else is facing problems on a catastrophic degree, we can still go on with everyday life, walk the same roads, do the same things, talk to the same people, as if nothing was wrong with the world. If you don't read the newspapers or don't watch the news, you'd never know anything was wrong, because things just don't seem wrong.

The mind is the strongest cage ever built.

-------------------------------------------------

Okay that was a totally random bit of news. I was just reading the papers and these thoughts just came to me, so for a lack of anything better to write I decided to put this down. Hahas.

Went on CXQ today to see how bad I've gotten, and I was appalled at myself when I started losing to 1500s. Not even 1600s. 1500s. It kind of embarasses me and it feels lousy when I lose to them, because that means I've really fallen very very far.

Now I feel so useless. =(

HAIS!

-------------------------------------------------

Don't cry
Tears aren't suited for you, nor anyone else
Don't cry...

-------------------------------------------------

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

mel: Hahas.. It's not exactly very big... =X Hahas stalker!

Stella: Yup. Your turn now.. Hahs.

Pris: LOL. What kind of book would that be I wonder? Hahah. Thanks!

~Feeling useless~

Random Blitz - When You Didn't

2008-10-01T21:40:00.002+08:00

Random Blitz - When You Didn't
Understand

It broke me, a little.

But I wasn't too surprised, I guess.
~Closing up again, after all.~

Blitz 438 - Unnecessary

2008-10-01T19:36:00.002+08:00

Blitz 438 - Unnecessary
Isn't it all?

Sometimes I wonder why I do this to myself.

It only shows me how powerless and far away I am.

I know it's futile and hopeless and stupid and foolish.

It might be easier if I just went on with life.

There's nothing much I can do about it anyway.

Retardation and stupidity of the highest degree.

Floating, floating, floating, when will I start swimming again?

Or maybe I'll just stop and sink.

Feeling blue now. Light blue and white. Purple too.

No I'm not feeling emo. Not now, not yet. Just feeling like an ass.

I'm sure a lot of people agree with me.

Promises, are meant to be kept, but made to be broken.

I made and lost faith so many times, was made and was given up on even more.

Calcy, Jolene.

Rachel, Samantha.

Sigh.

I thought someone would understand. But then again.

Maybe it just all evaporated, and there's no more left? Hm.

My bad, didn't make it very clear did I. But I assumed.

Assume: Making an ASS out of U and ME.

How true.

It's laudable, how I lament over my fears and regrets when people have things happening in the now.

We are who we are, the sum of all our past events and culminations.

Hah. Laughable. Laughing at who I am, what I am, why I am.

Maybe it's time to get a move on.

After all, it was all unnecessary.

Nothing lasts forever.

~I would have had, could I had. ~ But I didn't.~

Random Blitz - When Y-u're Gone

2008-09-29T22:30:00.008+08:00

Random Blitz - When Y-u're Gone
The pieces of my heart are missing y-u

I always needed time on my own

I never thought I'd need y-u there when I cry

And the days feel like years when I'm alone

And the bed where y-u lie is made up on y-ur side

When y-u walk away

I count the steps that y-u take

Do y-u see how much I need y-u right now?

When y-u're gone

The pieces of my heart are missing y-u

When y-u're gone

The face I came to know is missing too

When y-u're gone

The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it okay

I miss y-u

I've never felt this way before

Everything that I do, reminds me of y-u

And the clothes y-u left, they lie on the floor

And they smell just like y-u, I love the things that y-u do

When y-u walk away

I count the steps that y-u take

Do y-u see how much I need y-u right now

When y-u're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing y-u
When y-u're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When y-u're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it okay
I miss y-u

We were made for each other

Out here forever

I know we were, yeah

All I ever wanted was for y-u to know

Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul

I can hardly breathe I need to feel y-u here with me, yeah

Crazily rebounding song.. One of Avril Lavigne's better songs from her newest albums, which is not very new to be exact either. Thing I don't like about her is her punk-ness and heavy eyeliner, but sometimes she comes up with songs that are as good as this one once in a while.

Sigh. =((

-------------------------------------------------

Sometimes, when I find out about other people's predicaments, I'm really amazed at how fortunate I am. There are people out there with worse problems, financial, emotional, family, or otherwise, and here I am with no worries as to where my next meal's coming from or how I'm going to keep up with a workload.

Yet, I can't stop myself from feeling the down-ness, the black depression I felt years ago and has faded to a grey but is still there, with my own problems that are so much less weightier than others'.

Words are inadequate to fully express what I feel.. Sigh.

Stupidity. =(

-------------------------------------------------

Not enough to post about to make up a full length post. Will just end off here then, and recuperate my thoughts for a while. Geez...

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

mel: Hahas.. Yep. Think so too. Glad to have you all around me yea.

MABEL: Hello! Way too long ya...

hz: Yea, how I wish army could always be like that. Hahas...

~Is it worth it, being sad over my burdens.~

Blitz 437 - Slack

2008-09-26T23:58:00.002+08:00

Blitz 437 - Slack
Not anymore

Wow this week has been... slack. Damn slack. Super slack. Every-single-word-that-is-an-acronym-for-"very" slack. You get the picture.

Tuesday: Go downstairs, unpack the signal stores, clean the signal stores, lunch, slack, dinner, RO, slack, sleep.

Wednesday: ATI exercises, lunch, slack, ISM changing-over ceremony, dinner, RO, slack, sleep.

Thursday: Go downstairs, paint the CVCs, slack, lunch, slack, dinner, RO, slack, sleep.

Friday: Simulation firing, slack, lunch, go oil the vehicle for POP, slack, dinner, RO, slack, bookout at 0600.

Wow. THIS is how army should be like!

--------------------------------------------

I tried to force this post into being a happy post. But no can do. Tch..

This paragraph is dedicated to someone who reads this blog. You know who you are. Whether or not you reveal yourself is completely up to you. But I won't, for your sake.

I once wanted to be a part of your world. You know that, so do I. And yet you rejected me. You, and the others. I was fine with that, and I didn't stop trying. It was only until midway through last year, when I gave up for good, after nearly six years of trying. Because I wasn't good enough, you acknowledged it, and you threw me aside for someone else, regardless of all the years.

It wasn't the only time. All those times, when I was always set aside for the bigger picture, the better outcome, I swallowed it gamely and pressed on to the best of my ability. All those things you achieved, and brought me with it.. I still possess, but there is no pride to them. They don't belong to me.

When you cast me aside for the last time, granted it wasn't your choice, but you didn't do anything to stop it, did you? Given a choice between further degradation and a chance to prove myself, I chose the latter, and I don't regret that. But it served as a wedge, to push us further.

Now, you find yourself abandoned by all those you thought closest. Never felt this before, of course you think yourself alone and deserted, and you try to make new close friends. But did you know, that it's too late, too late, to try and win me back now? You hurt me more than I could ever admit, and did nothing to repair it. There's no going back to times long gone, friend. It's done.

And sometimes I think you try too hard, come on too strongly. Because while you might think that people enjoy the randomness, the novelty wears off after a while and it portrays an.. erratic image of you.

I won't stop being your friend. But I won't ever be your close one.

--------------------------------------------

And I'm just feeling so... helpless.

This isn't the first time. I don't think it's going to be the last.

=(

--------------------------------------------

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

Stella: Difference? What diff? Haha.. Hope my wish comes true.

crys: I know what the bang is le. LoL. It's a pity you failed because there was only ONE incoming flight from taiwan, so if you'd come you'd have known. LoL. Manager.. Me to know. You not to find out. Hahs.

Pris: Haha, wow it really came true. I pass SOC, you pass bio. 'Gratz!

~Powerless~

Blitz 436 - Old Lang Syne

2008-09-22T18:48:00.006+08:00

Blitz 436 - Old Lang Syne
Difference

Was reading my own blog posts this afternoon due to a lack of anything better to do. My original plan was to read from Blitz 1 all the way to Blitz 435, but that would take too damn long and some posts weren't worth reading (There were a couple which were essentially copies of themselves, I have no idea what I was thinking when I typed the second one after I did the first), so I gave up after about Blitz 36 and started picking out Blitzes at random.

I realize, and marvel at how much I've changed ever since January 2006, not just in the way I blog, but also how I think and act. Only when I look back on my past posts that I remember how I felt back then, recall what exactly happened, thought of how I reacted and acted to events. Some posts made me blush and feel embarrassed, some made me laugh out loud, while others made me feel thoughtful and nostalgic.

...One thing never changed though. In nearly all of my posts, there would be mention of or reference to an individual, or an event. But, I digress.

Along with all the posts brought back a lot of memories, and I recalled people who were once close to me and talked to me often. Benedict Chee. Zheng Kai. Lydia. Rachel. Jiamin. So many people, once a part of my life and now gone. I've accepted it, but that doesn't mean I don't regret it.

Hm.

I guess my blog has, in its own way, served what it's meant to do. An online diary, to record down all the things I did, thoughts I had, feelings I experienced, friends I knew, people in my life one time or another. Now I read through the various pages of my diary, and I find all the changes in my life, big and small, noticed and passed by.

Hm...

--------------------------------------------------------

100 Years

Five For Fighting

I'm 15 for a moment

Caught in between 10 and 20

And I'm just dreaming

Counting the ways to where you are

I'm 22 for a moment

She feels better than ever

And we're on fire

Making our way back from Mars

15 there's still time for you

Time to buy and time to lose

15, there's never a wish better than this

When you only got 100 years to live

I'm 33 for a moment

Still the man, but you see I'm a they

A kid on the way

A family on my mind

I'm 45 for a moment

The sea is high

And I'm heading into a crisis

Chasing the years of my life

15 there's still time for you

Time to buy, Time to lose yourself

Within a morning star

15 I'm all right with you

15, there's never a wish better than this

When you only got 100 years to live

Half time goes by

Suddenly you’re wise

Another blink of an eye

67 is gone

The sun is getting high

We're moving on...

I'm 99 for a moment

Dying for just another moment

And I'm just dreaming

Counting the ways to where you are

15 there's still time for you

22 I feel her too

33 you’re on your way

Every day's a new day...

15 there's still time for you

Time to buy and time to choose

Hey 15, there's never a wish better than this

When you only got 100 years to live

This song has always been a wonderful song in my opinion, talking about times past and lost, and how the best wish Man could ever have.. was to turn time back and experience it all over again.

But I guess that won't be happening.

--------------------------------------------------------

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

Mk: Not exactly the first.. Hahas. Thanks! Nice to be back. =)

kiM: Yep! =D

pc(: Heyy.. Erm. This is? =X

~hinho~: Haha.. Okay lah. Rather boring if you ask me.

xC: -.- Don't. Get. Started. You don't want to.

~Has my manager agreed to this? ~ Is she suggest one!~

Blitz 435 - Home Bound and Back

2008-09-20T02:08:00.002+08:00

Blitz 435 - Home Bound and Back
I am my story

So after three weeks of disuse, this blog shall spring back to life again because I AM BACK SINGAPORE!

Life over in Taiwan wasn't too tough. Hell, it was easy. All right, slack. What else can I say? After hours of hours and hours of...

Waiting...

Eating...

Sleeping...

Waiting...

Walking around doing "community service" (or rather, in more layman terms, saikang)...

Waiting some more...

Doing army stuff (Like FINALLY!)...

Waiting even more (After a few short minutes, too)...

Eating... (Oh did I mention this already?)

Sleeping... (This too huh?)

I'm finally back in Singapore. Yeah, that's basically all I did over there for the bulk of three weeks. Technically speaking I'm not supposed to disclose anything about my trip there because it's top secret evidently, but I think stuff as general as that won't be anything illegal.

Some secret it turned out to be though. Every local I met knew I was a Singaporean, and each and every one of them knew that I was there for purposes other than tourism, which makes me think that the SAF's top secret project wasn't so top secret after all.

----------------------------------------------------

Well. I can't deny that I missed home and friends and family a lot during my three week stay overseas, because I did. A lot. Some nights, I'd lie in my double decker bunk staring at the wood above me and think about home a lot, and I'd manage to dredge up memories from long ago. I'd be sad, thinking of all the friends that were no longer friends, or the family members that won't be around as much come December, but then there were happy thoughts to balance it out too. Strange, how an equilibrium is reached between the two. I tilt to the happy side, and the sad bits pull me back. I wobble to the sad side, and the happy parts act as a support.

I guess that's what memories are all about.

----------------------------------------------------

I watched a TON of movies on the tour guide bus. Like really a TON. At least five of them. Zohan, What Happened in Vegas, Blur Queen, The Mummy 3... Goes to show how much time I spent on that bus. I visited a whole lot of places, but technically I'm not even allowed to disclose that information (like what the hell right.) so I shan't. Stupidity, but it's the law. Damn.

I didn't take any photos though, because I think photos never can capture a feeling, an image as well as the mind can. I don't need photos or bits of memoribilia for momentos, I have a whole brain size of space to store the pictures, and I think memories look the best there, better than on any photo.

That covers R&R. Or all I can say on it here. Again, damn.

----------------------------------------------------

I thought of something in the three weeks I was there. I've been plagued by all my failures and inabilities for years, and I still haven't given up trying and trying new things for the recognition I want. I don't know, it might be a curse or something. God knows I've been criticized often enough.

Tianxiang doesn't sound good.

Tianxiang, stop it.

Tianxiang, don't do that, I'll do it better.

Tianxiang, stop being a koala. (No idea where that came from or what it means, but I hate it.)

Not to mention various jokes and puns about my "plane disorder" and my height, or lack of it. I can't stand those, but I don't think people care.

Truth be told, I'm no saint. I've had my share of evil fun, of poking at people and laughing when they squirm with embarassment. I've been on both sides of the fence, and I bet a lot of people out there have too. I know it's irritating, and they know it's irritating, but I can't help it, and neither can they.

But then, I've never actually faced my shortcomings, and attempted to ignore them at any opportunity. And when I fail, I look at my failures in the face and interpret them as my fault, I could have done better, and it's something I could have changed but didn't. That's the worst kind of failure, did you know?

So when I try to be recognized, I realize I'm trying to be someone else's story, to be a part of their story and change it. I don't think that's the point in life. As someone in a movie once said, "In some circles you're the center of attention, in others you're on the outside." Don't ask me which movie, I don't know the title either. It's a girl playing American Football, if you must know.

Anyway. I find that to be pretty much true. I think I'll keep trying to be a spotlight, but not for others. For myself and my own story. Because it's not you, not him, not her, not anyone who writes my story. It's me. I hold the pen, I hold the ink, and no matter how limited my ink is or whatever colour it is, I still must find a way to fill up the book of my life.

I am my story.

----------------------------------------------------

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

mel: Yeah. I missed you ya. =) It's good to be back! Thanks for missing me too! =P

Stella: Of course I didn't forget. =)) Hahas I see you couldn't wait till I got back to spam me with messages just like mel. Hahas. Talk tell and listen all you want soon!

xC: What in hell is "the bang"???

angelays: Heya! I'm back princess. Hope life's been great =)

crys: Again, what in hell is "the bang"!?

~If only ~ Y-u held the pen with me~

Random Blitz - Goodbye My Friends, It's Time to Fly

2008-08-29T19:46:00.006+08:00

Random Blitz - Goodbye My Friends, It's Time to Fly
When all the birds are singing in the sky

In one hour I leave for the airport.

In four hours I'm flying overseas to Taiwan. Three weeks later before I go.

I wish I'm going with more of a bang, but then I guess it's not exactly a good time for my friends because it's either school or NS for them on weekdays. Hahas.

Or maybe I'm just seeing myself as too big a deal. LoLx. Probably huh? Hahas..

Bye bye people.

See you all in three weeks!

--------------------------------------

Blitz to your Blitz:

Stella: Hahas. Take care of yourself while I'm gone, and smile! =) And.. Well. Take care of her too ya.

~Is one goodbye so much to ask ~ Yes, from y-u, I guess it is.~

Blitz 434 - I'm Leaving, On a Jet Plane

2008-08-28T20:03:00.003+08:00

Blitz 434 - I'm Leaving, On a Jet Plane
Just one day more

In one day more I will no longer be in Singapore to talk to the miscelleanous people I'd grown used to talking to. This is the first time I won't be in the city for such a long time and there's absolutely no way of contacting my friends for the whole of three weeks.

Excitement, apprehension, anxiety, fear.. I can't say I'm feeling any of those things now. I've grown used to the idea and now that the trip has finally loomed to its utmost closest, I can't say that I'm feeling much about the trip.

I think I'm getting to be pretty stoic about this kind of things. Go there, do what must be done, come back. Take it all in your stride.

After all, life will work out somehow. Right?

Right.
Who am I kidding?
-------------------------------------------------

I'm gonna miss a lot of people on this trip. I'm going to miss coming home on bookouts, ready to look for people to play DotA with. I'm gonna miss messaging Stella at night. I'm gonna miss sending messages to Melissa, Mabel, Angela to find out they're okay. I'm gonna miss all the people around me, Kim, Stella, Xin Chu, Chris, Angela, Priscilla, Melissa, Timothy, Mabel... The list goes on. Basically, literally everyone. I'm gonna miss the routine life that's settled for me in ATI. I'm so NOT gonna miss rifle cleaning, but that's beside the point. I'm gonna miss life in Singapore.

Three weeks.

Not too long, not too short.

Hehs.

-------------------------------------------------

Blitzes to your Blitzes:

mel: Hahas you know the reason behind last posts' sadness to don't you. I'll try. =D

MABEL: Hahas... Sorry, I thought you were linking here from http://tearsin--heaven.blogspot.com/ and not http://if--only.blogspot.com/ , because I deleted the latter... Sorry!

~And I'm wondering ~

Blitz 433 - Once You See The Real Me

2008-08-24T17:31:00.005+08:00

Blitz 433 - Once You See The Real Me
Will we still be friends?

Another week over, another week closer to my trip overseas. I discovered I'm allowed to disclose next to nothing about the trip, so I shan't say anything except that from next week onwards, this blog shall be officially dead for nearly a month and there won't be much new posts. I don't think there's Internet there, so yeah.

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I wanted to post something here but I realized that it's too private for even invisible text to hide. So I'm scrapping that idea.
Those who know me, will know where to find it.
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I'd Rather
Luther Vandross

I thought sometime alone
Was what we really needed
You said this time would hurt more than it helps but I couldn't see that
I thought it was the end
Of a beautiful story
And so I left the one I loved at home to be alone (alone)

And I tried to find out this one thing is true
That I'm nothing without you
I know better now
And I've had a change of heart

I'd rather have bad times with you
Than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm
Than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together
Than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart

And then I met someone
And thought she could replace you
We got along just fine we wasted time
Because she was not you

We had a lot of fun
Though we knew we were faking
Love was not impressed with our connection built on lies, all lies

So I'm here cause I found this one thing is true
That I'm nothing without you
I know better now
And I've had a change of heart

I'd rather have bad times with you
Than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm
Than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together
Than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
Who holds my heart

I can't blame you if you turn away from me, like I've done you
I can only prove the things I say with time
Please be mine

I'd rather have bad times with you (please be mine)
Than good times with someone else (I know better now)
I'd rather be beside you in a storm (anytime)
Than safe and warm by myself (so sure baby)
I'd rather have hard times together
Than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart (my heart)

I'd rather have bad times with you (surely)
Than good times with someone else (surely)
I'd rather be beside you in a storm (oh yeah)
Than safe and warm by myself (all by myself)
I'd rather have hard times together,
Than to have it easy apart (you know it)
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart

I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
I'd rather have the one who holds
My heart

Who holds my heart...

This is such a sweet song. And I think yes, if I were in l-ve, I'd be just like this guy in the chorus.

Heh..

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Blitzes to your Blitzes:

Stella: Haha your standards for movies very lousy leh!

crys: LoL. We still haven't.

mel: =D Thanks!

Pris: No, I didn't watch.. LOL. Yes I feel much younger now!

roy: Wow long time no talk. Gotta meet up soon yeah! Okay maybe not so soon but 1 mth later maybe. Hahas 3SG soon! You still in Infantry?

~Deserving of friends?~

Blitz 432 - Cold Dash in the Face

2008-08-17T19:09:00.003+08:00

Blitz 432 - Cold Dash in the Face
The power of expectation

Well. Good news to share: I finally, irrevocably passed my SOC for my first year in NS, with a timing of 9:50. When I ran through the finish I raised my fist and for a moment, the sun shone rays around that fist tightly clutching the number chip labelled 03.

I realized that I cannot sustain a peace and calm sense of mind when under pressure. During previous SOC tests, I was confident of passing or at least besting my 10:40, and was looking forward to post-SOC times when I would be triumphantly telling others that I passed or would do so the next time even before SOC was over. And each time, I degraded my score, going from promising to bad to downright awful.

On Friday, just prior to the SOC test, I told myself, hell, enough is enough. I'm tired of expecting myself to do any better than usual and so I'll just go through this for the sake of going through it. I had no expectations at all when I started the run and to tell the truth it didn't really start out very well because of some obstacle problems I experienced early in the run. When I landed from the last obstacle at a timing of 6:30 I was shocked at myself, then told myself to "GODDAMN IT JUST RUN!"

This isn't the first time such a phenomenon has happened to me. I've realized this late in my chess club days as well, in crucial matches up against powerhouses such as Alvin and Leslie, not to mention a highly memorable match against Shu Yingying. It's kind of like, everyone expects you to lose, so you just give up from match start and tell yourself to play for fun. That's what I told myself in all those matches and I performed exceeding every single person's expectations including my own.

It's interesting, the way my mind works.

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Went out to watch Meet Dave today. My opinion was that it was totally bad, and was only mediocre as a comedy at best. The jokes weren't hilarious neither were the scenes unexpected, and there were some inexplicable instances as well, such as the bit about the show. Do we watch that show once every year?

I'm not really in the mood to give a movie review now, but let's just say that.. Meet Dave didn't exactly make the mark in my opinion. It was better than really bad films like the Mummy, but nowhere near top league shows such as the Dark Knight.

Wakka02's rating: 3 out of 5 stars

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Was on the bus ride home when I suddenly thought about my friends and stuffs. Made me rethink about all the good and bad times I had back in AJ and Cat High and I kinda miss it all. What I wouldn't give, to have gained it all back.

..And on the other hand. What I wouldn't lose, to have lost all the memories and made them not exist in the first place. Because if you never had anything, then you can't really lose anything can you? Hm.

Maybe I don't deserve what I have now. Hmmmm.

Hehs.

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Blitzes to your Blitzes:

Pris: Haha yeahh I passed le. So you can pass too!

terr: Yeah that's basically what I did I think. Can't really remember LoL. Thanks!

~All I had~

Random Blitz - A Thousand Miles

2008-08-14T16:16:00.004+08:00

Random Blitz - A Thousand Miles
Y-u know I would

Making my way downtown
Walking fast
Faces pass, and I'm homebound

Staring blankly ahead
Just making my way, making my way
Through the crowd

And I need y-u
And I miss y-u
And now I wonder

If I could fall
Into the sky
Do y-u think time
Would pass me by?
'Cause y-u know I'd walk a thousand miles
If I could just see y-u
Tonight

It's always times like these
When I think of y-u
And I wonder if y-u ever think of me

'Cause everything's so wrong
And I don't belong
Living in y-ur precious memory

And I need y-u
And I miss y-u
And now I wonder

If I could fall
Into the sky
Do y-u think time
Would pass me by?
Oh
'Cause y-u know I'd walk a thousand miles
If I could just see y-u
Tonight

And I, I
Don't wanna let y-u know
I, I
Drown in y-ur memory
I, I
Don't wanna let this go
I, I don't

Making my way downtown
Walking fast,
Faces pass and I'm homebound

Staring blankly ahead,
Just making my way, making my way
Through the crowd

And I still need y-u
And I still miss y-u
And now I wonder

If I could fall
Into the sky
Do y-u think time
Would pass us by?

'Cause y-u know I'd walk a thousand miles
If I could just see y-u
Oh oh

If I could fall
Into the sky
Do y-u think time
Would pass me by?
'Cause y-u know I'd walk a thousand miles
If I could just see y-u
If I could just hold y-u
Tonight...

I never knew how much this song meant to me.

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Blitzes to your Blitzes:

Stella: Hahas I STILL like your original font lahs. If that happened every time you said that, I think you no more blood vessels le. LoL...

crys: Hahs. Why not? Message me details ya.

hz: Yeah maybe. Hahs. Should play icebreakers right. Hahas..

Pris: LoL. There, italicised font!

mel: Yeahh I didn't think it was that great either. Not like some wols people out there. LoL.. Take care of your foot!

Mk: Again, message me details ya. Haha...

~Blitzed off by Wakka02~

Blitz 431 - Given Up Upon

2008-08-13T20:21:00.010+08:00

Blitz 431 - Given Up Upon
The songs are silent in my mind

And so we've had another SOC practice this week. The test is this Friday and out of the six SOC re-takers, three are showing promise and are probably going to pass this Friday.

When I clocked in at twelve with one station failed, I was bitterly disappointed. I could, once again, have handed myself all kinds of reasons and excuses why I'd failed. Oh, my knee was injured and I couldn't scrabble up the low wall properly because the wall kept scraping my injured spot. I was out of shape after one week of inactivity and couldn't possibly pass SOC. But neither of those "reasons" can explain away why I'd clocked in at a disappointing timing of twelve minutes.

I was having difficulty bearing with my own guilt and conscience when a second blow came. My PC cum Section Instructor, 2nd Warrant Ting, asked me why I had such a pathetic timing. I couldn't give him an answer that satisfied myself, let alone satisfy him. And for the rest of the training period, I was practically inexistent in his eyes. At the after action review, he pointed out to each and every one of the other five what he thought their mistakes were, gave suggestions to improve and encouragement for Friday and listened to their own versions of their stories of why they nearly but never made it.

It was then that I realized that he'd given up on me. I had shown promise at first but then with gradually degrading results he thought I wasn't putting my one hundred and one percent into it. Truth be told, I might not be trying my best off training, but in training I probably am one of the most hard-working ones. So he just gave up.

It's an interesting experience. All my life I never wanted people to have expectations of me, because I hate performing under stress. And when people expect results from me, I always fail to provide this result. But now someone's placed trust in me and then taken it away, and I feel.. robbed somehow. Lessened by this loss.

Maybe I'll learn to just give up one day.

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I wanted to stop blogging here, but I'm telling myself to bleed it out and have done with it.
Sometimes, I don't know what to wish for.
For it to be me. For it not to be.
That is the question.
I'm speechless. Not stunned, not amazed, not shocked.
I just don't have the right or the words to say anything.
It's complicated, the way I feel. I read and I watch on.
I can't do nothing. And I feel just helpless.
A fly caught in a spider's web.
Maybe, just maybe, there'll be someone who knows how I feel, how I think. Someone who can talk to me, and make me smile, forever and ever, and understand it all. That would be nice, wouldn't it?
Can y-u just be y-u?
The y-u I l-ved, the y-u I needed,
The y-u I want y-u to be?
For it's not just me I want y-u to be like that for.
It's y-u.
I've envisioned a laughing, carefree y-u.
And smiles just suit y-u the most.
Did y-u know that?
Maybe I'm asking for a technical impossibility. No one can ever do that to another person. Even lovers have their secrets, and nothing can be completely shared without loss.
Lift me up and bear me away,
I just wanna hold y-u in my arms all day
Tell y-u it's all right, and it's gonna be fine
That I'll never leave y-u, as long as y-u're mine
But y-u're too far, and I'm just here
Hoping for a dream, for many a year
And while I'm here y-u're moving in tears
Tears I wanna take away, but always that fear..
Can someone, anyone, just take away all this?
We are more alike than y-u could possibly know...
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Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you

Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

No one ever lies straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy
But I'm not gonna be ok
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like
What it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down

To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life

...Not welcome. Never welcome. Because you're never in it anyway. And you wouldn't wanna live with my thoughts. They'd drive you crazy.

If I boldened all that meant something to me. I'd be emboldening the entire song.

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No mood for Blitzes.

Sorry yeah. If I replied now it'd probably be one word answers or short sentences. Just not feeling up to saying anything. Seeya Sat...

~And the silence is killing me~